Well, today is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY from my first Chemo treatment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!
I had planned on celebrating it up big time ... and yet, I sit here fighting tears! Don't fret, I have been on my "on-line news group with survivors" and this is very normal.
If I really think about one year ago, I can feel the anxiety of the unknown. I feel the panic inside of what would chemo be like ... how sick would I get ... what will my head look like ... is there any chance I could be the one in the million to keep my hair .... would I get the mouth sores ... would I be able to be a mom and for how long ... would I be around to meet Meredith?
Looking back at one year ago, I also had a safety net ... the cancer couldn't be coming back, I'm on chemo! The signs of nausea and hair loss were devastating, and yet reassurance that I was doing something to keep the cancer away. Now, I have no safety net. "I'm" not fighting or doing anything now to stop a cell from growing (and even worse the meds aren't working and I have a period - not good).
So, I'm not celebrating my 1 year anniversary of my chemo treatment! OK, now the positive .... what I can and will celebrate today, is the fact that my heavenly daddy wasn't just 'on duty' for the chemo! He is 'on duty' for this next stage of emotions that I'm facing and for the next and the next .. you get the picture.
Today, I'm celebrating that I have tons of mixed emotions .... and that it is OK! It is OK that God is celebrating for me ... that God still has to hold me tight to get me through this next step ... that God understands my feelings more than I do ... that God is in control and I can RELAX and just BE MYSLEF!
It's one year of just one of the many phases of my life ... it's just one time that God carried me ... so, today - for me - don't celebrate the one year anniversary of my first chemo treatment ... CELEBRATE THAT IT'S BEEN ONE YEAR OF ME KNOWING THAT MY GOD HAS THIS UNDER CONTROL - AND THAT I JUST NEED TO BE HIS CHILD!!!!! That's such a big lesson for us all ;-)
Ok ... I can celebrate having NO METAL TASTE ... yuck ... that makes me gag just thinking about that taste ... nothing is worse than having something take away your craving for chocolate ;-)
TODAY - JANUARY 24TH - IS MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY FROM MY FIRST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!!!! Let's party!!!!!!
I am so thrilled to have that behind me. You can pray for me though as the medicine I'm taking is not keeping me in menopause - my body is stubborn - so I may have to have surgery to remove my ovaries and maybe more. I'm cool with that - fewer places to watch out for cancer!!!!
I'll keep you informed!
No matter what .... I celebrate and live in the fact of how blessed I am!!!!!