Well, I promised myself I would NEVER cut my hair again. After being bald and wearing scarves or hats for over 6 months – feeling awkward – I want HAIR! It’s funny listening to my support group friends talk about what it took for them to allow scissors near their heads.
The problem is, I have a several hairs that are growing faster than others – and I have some patches that aren’t growing at all. So, what do I do? Do I continue to let them all – each and every precious hair – grow at their own speed having a very bizarre looking hair style OR do I (I can’t believe I’m even going to type this) shave my hair to make them all the same length.
SUCH PROBLEMS this chemo has caused.. hehe
You’d think that life would look so good to me right now – that my Spirits would be flying high. Chemo is over and I’m back to life.
I don’t know if it’s because the chemo drugs and whatever other drugs they had me on are leaving my body, or if it’s because they are tapping out all hormones from my body, but uplifted is not how I feel! I am so depressed that I feel like for the past week I’ve been doing everything possible from allowing the dam to break and the tears to begin – they’d take over.
At my support group, I was eaves dropping – not nice but glad I did – and I heard a lady tell a girl that is just starting this journey that it is ok to be depressed, but your doctors can help you. She went on to say that she is a 3-year survivor and still on anti-depressants. She has never come back to an emotional level place. I wonder when I will be.
You see, life is great! Lon and I have never been closer – although a nice get-a-way could get us even closer J His business is really booming! The kids are incredible – they do their own thing and are enjoying the summer. Zav just finished his first baseball league. Keona went to church camp last week and had the time of her life. I organized and ran a VBS for low-income housing – tough tough neighborhood. I got to see God peaking through their hearts as they went from a tough street kid to a glimpse of a child. My business has great potential as I am viewing myself more as a businesswoman and spreading the message to the world about what I can offer. My family is going to Illinois for my Gram’s 100th birthday party in a couple weeks. Life is good!
Any yet, you ask why the tears? I know that there are other things that play on my emotions. Because chemo is done, life goes back to normal – but it will never be normal again. Before, I would get visions of a cancer cell popping up. It was no big deal, I would have another chemo in a week and so and it would be killed. Now, you wonder if cancer is creeping in. My blood etc shows I’m cancer free – but that worry of it coming back – that won’t ever leave. My body isn’t hurting anymore – I’m not taking pain pills, but I ache like my muscles are 90 years old. It’s hard to start in the mornings and I don’t have ½ the energy I use to have. I am suppose to use my arm normally and yet try not to scratch it, cut it, hurt it, carry anything too heavy or I can get Lymphedema. Once you have it, it doesn’t go away – you can manage it – but it’s hear to stay. So, use your arm but watch everything you do with it. The doorbell rings and I have to immediately check to see if I have on my spare boob and hair, if not, I run crazy to get it before answering the door. The boob issue isn’t so bad in the winter with baggier clothes, but in the summer it’s a little obvious when you are missing a boob!
Life isn’t normal and never will be. This life is my “new” normal life. One I have to get use to, accept and move on with. I will do that with God’s continual grace, strength and courage, but it’s not easy. So, in the meantime, my body does the best it can with the changes – my mind tries to stay focused on positive and future outlook – and the tears build behind my eyes!
So, if I don’t seem as bubbly as I should, or I seem a little “off” – well, I am! Just love me in this stage of my life and let’s hope each day gets brighter for me! I know it will with my heavenly Daddy on my side – He just has to carry me a little longer!
WOW, it’s been a long time since I blogged. You ask why? Well, although my body doesn’t know I had my last chemo – my mind does and I have been trying to live “normal”. I have really pushed myself. My body is asking me to ‘slow down’ but my heart is rejoicing to accomplish so much in one week, to enjoy my kids and activities, and to feel alive again!
I have gotten over the “guilt” feeling of enjoying other churches activities. Our church can’t offer much yet and I don’t want the kids to miss out. So, this week, the kids went to an incredible VBS at one of our largest Bakersfield churches. Last night they had a closing program and a BIG carnival – how fun. This is the same church that Zavier is participating with in their baseball league. My “geek” got off the couch and has really become a good little player.
Next week, Keona is going to a Jr. Camp for 4 days with another great church. While she’s doing that, I’ll be leading a VBS for a low-income housing project with Jesus Shack. We are planning that we could have 100 kids off the street. HOW COOL! God will bless our efforts and those kids will feel loved for 4 nights!
At the end of July, my family will be flying to Wheaton to celebrate my Gram’s 100th birthday party – there is no better occasion to celebrate. I’ve always called Gram “Prov. 31” for she is the perfect role model of who I want to be – the perfect Christian woman!
Today is our 11th Anniversary. They say being poor and going through sickness can break you apart. I’m happy to report that Lon and I have never loved each other or been closer than we are today! We do take turns feeling blue and having a little anxiety – life is NOT where we thought we’d be at 11 years – but we both have pure INNER JOY that only God can give us! My parents and my Aunt gave us a gift of dollars to go celebrate our Anniversary and last chemo – we’ll be eating out and eating good this weekend!
So, life is getting back on track. I cannot even begin to thank you all that have supported me through the past 6 months of rough water! You have gotten me through the hardest time of my life!!! I also can’t thank my heavenly Daddy enough for NEVER failing on any of HIS promises!!!!