I went to a meeting last night to hear our Co-Founder Rhonda Anderson from Creative Memories. She is a wonderful example of a Christian woman who keeps her values and priorities in order – God, husband, children, and then her business. She was talking last night about the “bumps in the road” that we can see as problems or hardships, but to take a step back and see them as God’s gifts to help us build character and to learn to be more like Him.
Wow, that’s the lesson I have so been trying to learn this past 2 years – and to brag on myself – I think I’m doing great!
In the past 2 years, I have had to move away from my “home”, learn quickly how to create and implement an entire children’s ministry, how to swallow my pride and ask for free lunches for my children and go grocery shopping at the local food bank, how to realize my “deformed” body is a gift for the parts all still work, to feel alive during chemo when I know I’m filled with poison, and to realize that the whole cancer thing has blessed me by giving me a new outlook on living and has introduced me to some wonderful people.
I could easily take anyone of those things and pout, get depressed, and feel like giving up. I could do the “life isn’t fair” routine – and it’s not! I could give up or withdraw. God has so blessed me by holding my hand through this all and showing me the life lessons I’m learning! The lessons I’ve learned and the person I am today is well worth the hardships. I LOVE my heavenly Daddy like I never have before! I have a crazier faith than I could have ever dreamed I would achieve. I truly CARE about people! I see their needs and instantly want to know how God can use me to help them – much less self focused!
The key though is to realize that God may not always be able to show us the lessons we are learning as we go through the hardships. We need to dig deep and find that faith if the lessons or outcomes are not shown to us! My prayer for my self, is that the biggest lesson I learn is to find joy in everything – even the unknown!
Think about it…. How do you handle your “bumps in the road”?
If you have to get some illness, let me advise that you don't pick cancer. I just got my bill for my first 4 treatments of chemo - $20,669.42! Yep, that's just for the first 4 treatments - I have 4 more to be billed for. My insurance only pays 70% leaving me a balance of $8,075.42 so far for the chemo, dr. visits etc. We've already paid over $8,000 to hospitals and surgeons etc. So far, this cancer has costs over $50,000.
Now, I'm not going to loose sleep over this - maybe my home if that's God's wishes - but I just thought I'd let you know the fun that cancer has to offer!
Just when Lon and I thought we were seeing the light regarding our money issues the world can pile on more. I'm just glad that my heavenly Daddy is bigger than the world!!!
So, here's to watching how God plans on paying this bill! At least I know God has worked in my life … instead of crying and feeling anxious about these bills, I’m just handing it over!
I read this today and just loved it ....
"Often, in the midst of great problems, we stop short of the real blessing God has for us, which is a fresh vision of who HE is." Anne Graham Lotz
May I look for that ultimate blessing in my hardships!
May I see GOD!
I’M FEELING GREAT! I had my 5th treatment yesterday. So, I prepared to be lying on the couch for at least 3 days with a brick in my stomach, feeling like I need to visit my bathroom, feeling so fatigued that I can’t make it to the kitchen. NOT THIS TIME – PRAISE GOD!
I had a different chemo drug yesterday and I have no nausea and no extra fatigue (just the norm). I am on CLOUD 9! This is SUCH A GIFT from God to give me a little break. I have been told that this may be the way it’s going to be for the next 3 treatments, but most likely, each one will get a little harder since this drug will be in my system. I’m getting this break since this was the first time. I will not worry about the next treatments until we get there. I am just so pleased for this break … to feel as normal as I can … Thank you God and thanks to all of you that having been praying for me. My heavenly DADDY heard those prayers!!!
God has brought something to my attention – something that I need to change that I wanted to pass on to you all. I think about some people that haven’t called me, or stopped by etc. Actually, there are just a small handful of people that have just dropped by. It made me think “why” is that. It’s the same reason I DON’T when I know someone is sick or down. I think our first reaction – is totally IN LOVE AND OF GOOD INTENTIONS – we don’t want to bother – we don’t want to wake them – we don’t want to disturb them – we don’t want to pester – we don’t want to be in the way etc. etc. I know that I do the “I’m praying for you and just let me know what you need and I’ll be there!” I MEAN THAT and I know that the huge group of people that have said that to me mean it too – I love them all for that!
However, this is what God is showing me. I have the personality (not always positive) that it’s hard to ask for help. I go the other way, I can do this I don’t want to ask or impose on them. Plus, there is nothing I really need. I can clean a room a day; do some laundry a load at a time etc. The kids are old enough that they can take care of themselves. I basically do what I can and sleep. I don’t need someone to watch me sleep. I get lonely but everyone has their lives – better stuff to do than sit on the couch and chit chat with me. So, I don’t call any of these loving people for help.
The light bulb that went on for me is that God sometimes wants me to be “in people’s faces” because they may NOT come to me. I have a neighbor that is facing MS. She has bad days etc. She’ll tell me, "I’m fine" - but I know that it’s a hard day. I pray and pray for her. That’s not enough. She may say I don’t need anything, but if I went over and watched her little ones for a couple hours tell me she wouldn’t love that. If I did some shopping for her and took it over – tell me she wouldn’t appreciate her cupboards full. Even if I just took over a warmed up store bought pizza for dinner – tell me she wouldn’t enjoy it and having it there for her family.
Let’s take this to an even more eternal life situation. How many people have I given information about our church to and said, “hey, if you are interested just call me”. They don’t call. I don’t want to come across “pushy”. What if I said, “hey, Sunday I’ll be at your door at 9am to take you to church”. What if I tell someone that I want to take him or her to the bookstore and find a Bible that fits his or her need? What if I tell someone about a church get-together and would love to pick them up and have them meet some of my friends? When it comes to someone’s eternal life, should I be passive and wait for them to call or should I be a little more “in the face”. Of course, you don’t want to do this in abrasive or pushy way – but a “in your face” totally out of love and concerned attitude. That’s why God wants us to be building those relationships – you earn the right to be “in your face” when you have first laid down the road to friendship.
Jesus Shack already knows this concept. I loved doing their “Street Teams” and I can’t wait until I have enough energy to walk that again. They go up to the door – of a poorer neighborhood – WITH food in their arms. They knock on the door and ask if they could use this food or other help. Most time the people can’t accept the food fast enough. It’s a GOD thing for them to know they’ll have food for dinner that night. How effective is that! They go to the door with the answer to the need – they are “in the face”. I can only think that probably not half of those people would get food if Jesus Shack went to their doors and gave them info on how to call or get food. Those people may not feel comfortable to call and “ask” for themselves. Yes, pride gets in the way at any level – I know that’s one reason I “do” instead of “ask”. Jesus Shack knows this – and they are willing to take the risk to be “in the face”.
My prayer for my life is that I’m more committed to spreading God’s word and God’ love by taking the risk to be an “in the face” kind of person. I want to be there for my neighbors before they ask – most likely they’ll never ask. I want to offer to take people to church gatherings not just hand them an address. I want to watch neighbor’s kids when I see they look tired. I want to be a “doer” not just a “call me I’m here for you” person. Again, before I earn that privilege on some levels, I must commit myself to take the time to build relationships. People NEED to come before my “to-do” list.
I love being able to show you through my blog how my heavenly Daddy is developing my character and personality through having this cancer and treatments. It is waking me up to see past my normal sight line and look deeper into others and why I am here to help make a difference. You see, I now understand and believe the book of James that tells us to look forward to hardships – because they will help us grow and become more Christ like. It’s amazing how sweet life looks when you know you are walking close to your heavenly Daddy and telling Him, “I’m here – use me!” It’s even a sweeter feeling knowing that you actually mean it! I want my Daddy to use me – no matter what that means for my life – less time for me – putting my self out there feeling like that’s a big risk of what others may think. I want to do what HE wants me to do – no matter the cost!
The reward to be God’s helper can't be measured by anything we know on this earth!
I can remember when I was young and I saw my first really bad “boo boo”. The blood and the ripped skin looked like it would never be the same. The cut was cleaned and a Band-Aid was put on top. Several days later the Band-Aid was removed and “poof” the skin was perfectly healed. That’s amazing! Our bodies are so amazing!
I don’t – didn’t take time to really think about the thought process that God had to put into the creation of our bodies. They are soooo complex. They heal themselves. They can reproduce life. They are totally amazing. He created us with thought and love. We aren’t just thrown together. He thought about every detail.
When you are sick – a normal cold and cough let’s say – you don’t think anything about it. You may take something to ease the symptoms, but you know that your body will fight it and you’ll be fine. That’s what our bodies do. You may have a mild fever but most likely until it reaches 102 or more you may even go on with your daily living – just watching it a little.
I have learned to treasure my body. The chemo has altered my body from the original state God created it. I don’t have many white blood cells these days. Those are our “sickness fighters”. So, this week, my “normal cold and cough” could be life threatening – yes, life threatening – if I don’t watch it. My low-grade fever of 99.5 could mean – if I’m not careful – that I’ll be visiting a hospital. Now, I am watching myself. By having just these common sicknesses (ones I’d never think about) I am staying under “house arrest” and watching my hand washing, fluid intake etc. I don’t have time for the hospital. The nurse made it clear to me how important it is that I be careful. If my fever gets to 100.5 (again, low enough that before chemo I wouldn’t even think about it), they may need to do a blood transfusion to give me some white cells. I pray I don’t have to go that route.
It’s been a hard week because I do get paranoid with the temp taking. I get into one of those hour long dry cough from the chest spells and wonder if my body can work through this on it’s own. I am scared. PRAISE GOD that normally, we don’t have to be afraid of most things. Our bodies can heal themselves! Sometimes, we have to take some medicine to help – but God has it all worked out.
Don’t forget what a gift your body is from God. Don’t forget what love went into your creation! Just think, besides just the creating of a body that heals itself, God created you with your own personality – your own thought process etc. WOW! I must actually be very important to Him to have spent soooo much time working on my creation! Lon always gets very upset with me because I’ve never been one to be pleased with my outward appearance. He tells me that I’m telling God He made a mistake. I can see Lon’s point now! I have learned how incredible our bodies are made up by not having that “normal” body. I praise God for me – He’s creation!
Only 4 more treatments and then my body will get itself back to normal – the right amount of red and white blood cells. Until then, I’ll continue to be very careful. When I am back to regular counts – my prayer is that I never forget how wonderful and complex God created my body. When I have a cold or a “boo boo”, I want to raise up in PRAISE and thank God that my body will heal itself !
Do you sleep through the night? I mean really sleep through the night. I loved going to bed between 11pm and 1pm and not hearing or seeing anything until 7:20am when my alarm went off. That’s what I call sleeping! Well, those days are over and I may never see them again. This is what my “sleeping through the night” is like now…
I can’t make it past 11pm now. I’m usually in bed between 9pm and 11pm. I get into bed and since I’m not a back sleeper, I get on my favorite side – the right side – and I curl up and go to sleep. How crisp and soft the sheets feel. Then, in about 20 minutes, I realize that my right arm is in pain. I forget that since they took an “ice cream scooper” of my arm out it can’t really support my body lying on that side. No biggie, I turn to the left side.
I get all comfy on the left side – stretching out. I fall back to sleep only to wake in about 20 minutes. I realize that my right arm has also tried to stretch out and is in pain again. You see, I only have about 80% of the original movement in my arm. It will get better with time IF I remember to exercise. Unfortunately, I get too wrapped up in the side effects of the chemo to remember to do my daily routine for my arm. Every night though I remember. No biggie, I turn and lay on my tummy.
I squeeze the pillow and get all comfy – my right arm not being laid on or stretched too far. All should be great now. I should sleep until the alarm sounds – NOT. If forget that if I lay directly on my tummy, I am also laying on my port-a-cath. Yes, I love my port-a-cath on chemo days (it saves my arm veins) but it’s a pain other times – like sleeping. So, after about 20 minutes, my port starts hurting and I realize this position won’t work either. It’s starting to be a biggie! The only position left is on my back. That’s my least favorite position. I’ll make it work.
I turn on my back and bring the covers up – I’m one that can sleep in flannel PJs with a comforter even in August. I thank God that I have this position where nothing hurts and I fall asleep. Then IT starts creeping in – just like the Bakersfield thick fog. Yes, the chemo has put me into menopause and I get HEAT FLASHES. It starts down at the feet. You feel a warmth start climbing up the legs and it is continuing up. It climbs all the way up until the top of my baldhead. I am HOT, I mean really HOT and my body is wet like I took a shower. I shove off all the covers – I open or loosen my PJs until it passes. Then I’m instantly chilled and I can’t get the covers on quick enough.
At this time… I go back to the right side and start the pattern all over again!!
What have I learned from this whole experience – a new nightly experience….
LOVE YOUR NIGHTS when you sleep all night until that alarm sounds off – embrace that alarm for you have seen nothing or heard nothing the whole night.
If you are awake and tossing and turning all night like my “new sleeping habit” appears to be this is the lesson I learned… even though Lon works hard all day for the family – and the kids are working hard all day to better their future – with NO GUILT I now LOVE MY NAPS! Thank you God for NAPS!
Every Monday the “Monday Club” meets at the injection room at CBCC. We all are going through chemo and/or radiation and on Monday we get our shots. The three of us, Alice, Sharon, and myself find ourselves sitting next to each other and talking. So, I have decided that we need to start bringing “snacks” – I mean doesn’t a club have to have snacks?
Anyway, besides all of the cancer stuff we have in common, we also have Christ in common – for all of us our believers. That is the coolest thing about our club. I had heard both of them mention prayer, but let’s face it, once you hear you have cancer almost everyone starts to pray! Today’s conversation went deeper and ended in tears and hugs. Alice (probably in her 60s) told us that she had finished her radiation and chemo BUT they just found cancer in her stomach, liver and lymph nodes. She was trying to hold back the tears. She said that everyone asks her why she can still smile. Her answer, “I know where I’m going!” Sharon and I hugged her and said we did too!
You know, we continued to have a conversation that many would find strange. We talked about the beauty of dying – the gift of dying – because we knew that we would be living eternity in heaven. We all agreed that if it wasn’t about family still here, we might not worry about chemo and radiation, but tell our heavenly Daddy we are ready. We have nothing to fear. We don’t need or want to hold on to this earth. We know that our destiny – heaven – is where we want to be!
You could tell that some of the nurses and other patients were looking pretty strangely at us. They saw 3 woman – all with cancer – and a potential early death – and we were joking about “How about today God … good for you!” We were not in tears about dying, just the opposite. We were laughing and cheering because we know that we will die to this earth but our souls will be in heaven with our Creator forever. Is there any better way to live than to be excited about your death?
So, the “Monday Club” members got their shots and walked each other out to the cars. As we parted, we looked at each other with a “See you next week – if you are here!” No one knows “when his or her time is up”. Cancer can get you… a drunk driver… a heart attack or whatever. Your time on earth will come to an end. So, where are you going to go when you die? If you know where you going – like us in the “Monday Club” then you can live happy and carefree and without worry or fear. We enjoy life... Because we know our death is only going to bring us to heaven! Heavenly Daddy – you say when and we’re there!
Sometimes, I feel trapped by the chemo. I feel like it surrounds me and I can’t get away. It feels all consuming. The smells are everywhere. I can smell the room where the poison drips into my veins – and I instantly feel like throwing up. I can smell the drugs in my bathroom every time I go in there to wash my hands or use the potty. I can smell the smells on my pillow. I have every window opened (praise God He moved me to CA) and yet the smells linger in the house. I don’t think anyone else can smell them – but I can!
I can taste the chemo. Every time I try to eat something or drink something, it’s there. I must clean my tongue hundreds of times a day trying to get the taste/feeling off my tongue. I want food to taste the way my taste buds remembers it tasting – but nothing I do can make that happen. The food isn’t spoiled – the kids and Lon enjoy eating it – but it tastes so horrible to me!
I feel the chemo. My body aches. My temperature is slightly elevated and it makes me sleep 10 hours straight. My right side is still totally numb under by “deformed” arm. My right chest feels tight and like there is a board feeling where my boob should be. My hair – yes, my little tiny stubbles hurt. They are falling out. My skin is dry and looks years older in just 3 months. I am not the same looking person on the outside – maybe never will be.
The chemo is everywhere – I can’t hide from it – I can’t change it – it has taken over! It’s in my face yelling, “I’m here and I am more powerful than you!” Sometimes, I feel that way – that I can’t stand up against the chemo.
What else does that remind me of in my life???? YES, SIN! Sin is all around me – consuming my thoughts and actions – in my smells, sights, tastes, etc. It’s in every room of my house. It’s in the house or outdoors. It’s got power! Sin sometimes becomes like chemo where we figure we just have to get use to - learn to live with it – it’s not going any place. We feel too weak to deal, fight, or, on a worse scenario, we become use to it and forget to notice that it’s taking over our lives.
We are suppose to ask God to forgive us when we “sin” or “do something we know wasn’t the right thing to do”. How embarrassing when I go to pray and can’t think of a sin for the day. I KNOW I have sinned! I just have gotten so desensitized I can’t think of what it was. I don’t see, hear, or feel the sins anymore. They have become a part of my daily life. I can’t imagine that this will ever be the case with my chemo side effects – I won’t EVER become so accustom to them that I’ll forget that they are there. I pray that my sin becomes more real to me – like my chemo – so that I am aware of them and then I can change. My soul desire is to live the life my heavenly Daddy wants me to live – to do that – I must see the sin that He sees – I must ask forgiveness – and I must change. I must NOT become use to it! We sing a song at church that I love – couldn’t tell you all the words (I can sing a song 100 times and not know the words), but it asks God to have our heart hurt for what His heart hurts for! That’s my prayer.
SO… whether it’s chemo side effects or sin… we are not powerless… we don’t have to “get use to it”… and we have a heavenly Daddy that will help us see His way! Neither chemo nor sin will get a hold of me!