Just wanted you all to know that God answered HUNDREDS of prayers yesterday. I had my 4th treatment and I did NOT throw up once yesterday!!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! And thanks to soooo many of you for praying or me. I am having some “false alarms” today, but I haven’t lost anything yet!
It feels so good to say I’m DONE with the first treatments and ˝ way done with the whole treatment. I see that light at the end of the tunnel.
I know in my heart I would not be making this journey if I didn’t have all of your prayer support! THANKS from the bottom of my heart – and the bottom of my stomach!!
What’s the perfect Easter? It’s the one I had yesterday. On Easter I am reminded that my Jesus came down to earth as a person – blood and flesh. He walked the streets, worked the jobs, met the people, and lived through the sinful challenges. He “understands” my world! Then He went and allowed them to kill Him in the cruelest, painful, and unusual way all that my mistakes (sins) can be cleared in front of my heavenly Daddy – so that I will go to heaven when it’s my time and spend ETERNITY there at my Daddy’s side. Then Jesus overcame death! On Easter He rose to life! I have a Lord that is alive and understands everything I am going through and died because He loves ME so much – not that He didn’t do it for the rest of you – but He would have repeated history JUST FOR ME! That’s how special I am – and you are! What makes Easter perfect – not just remembering the historical facts – but FEELING THEM!
Then of course there is other things that made yesterday so wonderful! COACH CAM came to visit. Yes, my children’s soccer, t-ball, basketball coach etc. from Illinois (who we all love and adore) came to share Easter service with us and the day! We had not seen her since we all moved out to CA (God brought her to Hollywood, so we are still close). It was incredible to be able to give her a hug and spend time sharing stories and catching up. She is a gift to our family!
Then, we had our “CA” mom and dad. That’s always fun listening to stories, feeling safe to be you, and to just laugh together. The bond is strong because our bond is Jesus!
The food – was to DIE FOR! Lon out did himself with this incredible Pork roast with rosemary, apples, carrots, onions etc. etc. It was like from a TV show – oh it was incredible! Keona made her first and delicious Marble cake. She picked out Chocolate Fudge frosting to go with it – a dream cake! We all had plenty to eat and to be thankful for and the best part – it tasted good to me!!
Church service I even surprised myself. I got the 2 inches of dust off my sax and I was able to play a couple songs with the band – how fun is that! Shelly – our Creative Arts director wouldn’t give up (thanks) to figure out the keys etc and it all worked. I had some rusty notes but it felt right – it felt like the good old days!
I wore a sleeveless fancy long dress. The one tradition I will never give up is my “dressing up” for Easter. It was great feeling someone elegant (even with fake boobs etc) and I owe it all to my husband because he was willing to shave my numb deformed armpit!!
As you can see – we had a glorious Easter.
It doesn’t end there! I was able to make sure the house is clean and tidy, the dishwasher is empty, the laundry is up to date, the bed sheets all changed so I am ready for CHEMO today. I can lie on the couch for the next 3-4 days and not worry about the house falling apart! No, chemo doesn’t sound good and the drive there is always hard – but it’s the ˝ waypoint – and the COMPLETEION of the 2-drug drip. The next 4 are just a 1-drug drip.
I sit here right now feeling SO THANKFUL and BLESSED! I am taking every day as a gift. I am looking at the positives and I am enjoying living! Yesterday was such a bonus.
My prayer is that next Easter, the Easter in 5 years... 10 years…. 15 years… I will see as just a gift as yesterday was. I want to always be thankful for family, friends, church services, delicious food etc. I don’t want to start taking things for granted once I'm cancer free and not feeling like the “clock of life” may be ticking away. I want to continue to enjoy and realize the beauty and special gifts we are given each day! Isn’t that how God wants us to live?????? Are we sharing those blessings with others????
So, sit down and think about your Easter. Write down all the things that made it such a blessing – like being “alive”. Hold on to the smallest blessing and cherish it – remember those are gifts from your heavenly Daddy! Then go out there and share those gifts with others!
How would you define “the perfect husband”? For most of us, if we’d admit the truth to ourselves, our definition would be something like… a man that provides for us financially by having the house we want, the car we want, and all the ‘extras’, a man that remembers to give me gifts and do nice things for my birthday, anniversary, and holidays, a man that helps around the house and with the kids, a man that keeps the family active and together, and of course it doesn’t hurt to be a handsome stud!
I have to admit, that I was looking for Lon to be several of those thing for me to be able to call him “my perfect husband”. Then, my cancer showed me what a “perfect husband” is and my Lon is just that!!! Thanks sweetie! I love more every day!
The cancer has shown me that a perfect husband is someone that can look at your naked body – that only has one boob (and let’s face it – men like our boobs) and he still tells me that I’m sexy – and he means it! A perfect husband is someone that is willing to work 20 hours a day to provide for the family while his wife spends 20 hours on the couch watching TV and he tells her that he wants her not to worry about finances or working. A perfect husband is one that see that his wife isn’t feeling well and he helps keep the house up so that doesn’t stress her out while she can’t clean – even if the house looks fine to the normal “non-compulsive” eye. A perfect husband is one that will stroke your brow when you feel like throwing up and he tells you over and over that he is proud of you because you are fighting this for the family. A perfect husband is one that helps you see the positive about the treatment and encourages you because you know he doesn’t want to ever be away from you! The last and most incredible sign of a “perfect husband” was this morning… a “perfect husband” is one that is willing to take his hair shaver and help shave the ONE INCH of hair under your armpit that is deformed by surgery!
Lon and I have been married for over 10 years. I look back and I have wasted so many days not loving him the way he deserved to be loved because he just wasn’t being MY “perfect husband” under MY definition! For that, I am sorry and I apologize to Lon. For Lon is the “perfect husband”.
Who else, besides Lon have I not loved all the time the way they deserve to be loved? I’m sure that there have been plenty of times my kids, my extended family, my church family etc. etc. haven’t fit into my “definition” and therefore I didn’t show love. PRAISE GOD that even though when I am not fitting into His definition of a “perfect daughter” He still loves me unconditionally – all the time!
Cancer has waked me up to love my husband better, stronger, and consistent. No, I hate cancer and I hate the chemo even worse (I go this Monday for my 4th treatment / ˝ way point), but I thank this cancer for showing me that I have the “perfect husband”. I plan on spending my next 20-30 years with Lonnie and thanking God for every day!
Love you Lon!
Back in Illinois, it was just a done deal that my parents, my sister’s family, and my grandma would enjoy each and every holiday dinner at our home. That’s what comes with having a table that seats 14! I loved it. My favorite part is decorating the table. Lon usually did most of the cooking – that way everyone would want to eat. We always had a good time and the holidays felt right.
Then we moved to Bakersfield. What was I going to do for holidays? God had that all taken care of!! God taught me that there are all kinds of “families”. He has given me a big loving family – and my Easter table won’t be empty!
God found our family “adoptive” parents/grandparents. It is hard not having your mom and dad real close so God gave us the additional gift of an “extra” set of parents. Our California parents would do anything for us – they love us like we are their blood children. They pray for us, check up on us, give us parental advice, share their pool (God picked great parents – the pool is the extra), they give us hugs and kisses. They share our happy and sad times. I know they are only one call away. There is nothing they wouldn’t do for our family!
God gave us more children (ok, never asked for more but love each and everyone so much). Scott and Shelly moved to Bakersfield needing a set of California parents. Since God gave us extra parents, we wanted to be that for them. We try to be there for them whenever they need us. We have given them a place to feel safe and free to be themselves and know they will be loved unconditionally. Unfortunately, Shelly went and got herself engaged – so they don’t attend “family” dinners as much – but we are still family! God gave us a daughter who is living in Burbank, CA. She is a strong girl beautiful on the inside and out. She is trying to break into the Hollywood action while staying true and strong to her Christian convictions. She feels that God can use her in that crowd – I would believe that’s true. She emails me all the time to see how I’m doing with the cancer. I know that she would do anything for us – as we would for her.
I have my church family. They are here to support me in prayer. The people at my church are praying consistently for our family. I can feel that soooooo many prayers are coming my way regarding my cancer and treatments. I know that God is so close – and one reason is because many more than “2” are gathered in prayer for Lon, the kids, and me.
I have my “neighborhood” family. They are here to help me raise my kids – help with the daily routines – be there for the “unexpected” moments when we need extra love or help. My neighbor Michelle would do ANYTHING for our family. She watches the kids (took them over night for the operations), helps research medical stuff, shares all of her knowledge on cancer (unfortunately her family has gone through cancer), she “ripped” off my bandages (only a real friend would hurt you like that out of love), she even bought me “boobs” for my birthday present. My friend Jeanette made me that wonderful blanket. She too helps with the kids. She calls me to check up and see if I have any needs. Vickie has become like a sister. We can be ourselves – no make-up or hair! We share our intimate thoughts and feelings. We pull each other up when we are being negative and encourage each other when we are letting God control the day. We can speak in reality knowing that it is wrapped in love. Our kids love being together and we are a great big family.
I have my Christian family! I can’t tell you how many people – that I don’t know – have read my Blog and let me know that I’m in their prayers. We don’t even have to know each other but we still have the bond that God gave us all – since we all our His adoptive children. With a heart filled with God, the knowledge of the gift of salvation, and the common goal of serving God – all of us “believers” are family!
So, the Easter dinner table may not have as many people around it this year (due to other commitments and location issues), but my family is out there! I am SO blessed. For God tells us that we never have to be alone – He is with us AND the family He gives us is right there waiting in the wings! Take time to thank God for your family – your blood family and the family that God has given you! Don’t ever take that for granted AND don’t ever forget to continue to find people that are in need of a family – include them in yours!
Here’s to family! Guess it’s good my “whole” family couldn’t make it for Easter … my table that seats 14 would be WAY TOO SMALL!!
As you have read in my past few entries, I haven’t been as “positive” as in the beginning. Well, that has changed. No, the thought of my next chemo treatment still makes me want to “throw up”, but my heart is back to where it needs to be!
Have you ever watched Extreme Home Maker Over – with Ty? That’s one of our family’s favorite shows! We love that show because it’s not about the house – the paint colors – the way they arranged the furniture. It’s about helping a family that needs help. These designers work SO HARD for 7 days – for lesser money than doing a glamorous “design show” because they have integrity and heart.
This week’s episode had me in tears of wonderment. An 8-year-old girl – who just finished battling a terrible type of cancer (she had chemo, radiation, and 2 bone marrow transplants) – sent ABC a tape hoping she would be picked. The kicker – she DIDN’T want them to do her house – she wanted them to help the hospital so other children would get better and be happier! You see, Cassandra didn’t like the white hospital walls! She felt that if they were brighter, she would have been more cheerful which would help her to heal quicker. She was worried about all of the other children that would be in those rooms in the future.
At the old age of 8, she felt that whether ABC was willing to help her or not – she was going to get those walls painted. She purchased wire, and tons of beads and began making necklaces to sell. All the money she earned was going to go to purchasing PAINT! It was so touching when right on her interview tape to ABC she said, “I would love your help – but if you can’t help me – I’ll make it happen!”
Of course ABC helped. Not only did they have the DISNEY DESIGN TEAM do the hospital (yes, every room was done in a Disney theme … Nemo, Princesses, Buzz Lightyear - and the common room It’s A SMALL WORLD – my favorite), ABC built this family a 5,000 sq. foot home for her, her parents, and her 5 siblings! In this huge home, was a theatre room, a HUGE bead room for more necklaces to be made, a real LIFE SIZE merry-go-round in the backyard and much more. Everything was in that home or on the property that a child needs. Why? ABC and Cassandra’s parents know that if Cassandra gets sick or if the cancer comes back, Cassandra will be called to heaven. Although praying for a long life, Cassandra’s odds are slim of living to see her grandchildren. They want to give her the happiest years they can.
Why did this show touch me so much – able to turn my heart around from depression to joy? I think it’s because I was reminded to think like a child! Cassandra had just lived through months of chemo – the baldhead and throwing up. She also had bone marrow transplants and I know from watching a friend that’s so hard and painful. She understands that her life might be short – and yet – her statement “LOVE COMES FIRST” is her motto to live by. That child has had more sadness and pain in her life than anyone should go through – and she walked away from it with a heart for others. She spends her time making necklaces to change the hospital for others! Instead of thinking about herself – her goal in life is to make life easier for others!
As adults – we loose that focus! I had a terrible week last week. I was angry and mad that I had to feel so miserable. I was ready to throw in the towel – enough is enough! You know, I didn’t think about anyone but me last week! I deserved to have it easier!
After watching Cassandra, I wonder what the other chemo patients need at CBCC???? I see the same people but I’ don’t know their stories. I’ve never asked and I have 5 hours where I can’t go very far! I do know without asking that there are people in that room that have it worse than I do. They may be battling cancer for the 2nd or 3rd time. They may have to have chemo everyday or every week vs. my every 3 weeks. They may have no family or church family to help them through this valley. I know there are needs!
Thinking about the room where I have chemo makes me feel nauseous. That room gives me nothing but side effects – the worse being this metal taste. I drive by that center and I feel sick to my stomach. That’s how I feel – and yet I have support and good odds to see my grandchildren! I go back on the 28th of this month for my next treatment. I am going to try to have Cassandra’s heart – and look at the people around me! I’m not sure they need the white walls to be painted Disney themes (although that may be fun), but I will try to see at least one person’s needs! I will try to remember “LOVE COMES FIRST!”
How are you doing? That seems to be the main question I’m asked. Well, let me try to explain to you just how I am doing right now! I’m tried of the side effects of chemo. I’m tried of the metal taste (yes, I talk about that so much but it’s nasty). I’m tired of being tried and this week was the worse. I’m tired of having “no side” to sleep on – my right arm is still “under construction” healing from the surgeries. My left side has the port-a-cath sticking out. I’m tired of finding hair to match the outfit. However, I keep going.
For all of you ladies – here’s my new way to have you relate to me. Ok, you are pregnant and in your 6th month. You are tired of “peeing” every ˝ hour. You are tired of your stomach stretching so far it hurts. You are tired of your “boobs” feeling like water balloons. You are tired of someone kicking you from the inside. You are tired of having to hold your tummy to turn over at night. You are ready to have this baby OUT! Well, I’m almost ˝ way done and I’m ready to have this chemo OVER!
When you are pregnant, you know that although you’d love the baby out – it’s not best for the baby. You have to GO THE DISTANCE to ensure your baby’s health and happiness. I must go the distance with this chemo so that I can (if it’s in God’s plans) see my babies’ babies!
I don’t like any of it. I’m becoming a bit of a “complainer”. It’s harder to look at the road of 5 more treatments but you have to GO THE DISTANCE! God has everything already planned out for us – we just have to stay focused and keeping walking day by day! So, since I can’t “be done” with chemo… I think I’ll at least need a chocolate cake “˝ way done” party after my next treatment!!!!
I'm am "living" through this chemo :-) Yesterday was my 3rd treatment - one more of the 2 drugs and then the 4 of the one drug to go. They tried slowing down the drip thinking this should help with the nausea - unfortunatley, my bathroom and I spent moset of the afternoon and evening together - but you live through it knowing it's just one day! The great news, by slowing the drip, the "dreaded Metal" taste dosn't appear as bad this morning. That could be HUGE if I can make myself drink this early in the game. I already had some hot chocolate this morning and it's still down. So, I'll take the intimate relationship with my toilet for a night if it means to be able to drink and eat sooner :-) I was the talk of the place with my new beautiful pink blanket - thanks again friend! Today, my body will be persistant that I rest a lot, but all in all, I'm doing great. Hey, how bad can life be when it's in the 70s and my nap can be outside in the sun :-) LIFE IS GOOD! Thanks for all the prayers and support - I know that is what is helping me "live' through this instead of just "surviving"!!!!
The night before chemo and all through the house …..
Tomorrow is treatment number 3 – that’s 3 out of 8! I’ve done laundry incase I’m sick again this time. I had everyone pick up their stuff so the house looks presentable – ok, so I can stay on the couch – you know how things out of place gets to me. I made sure we have plenty of food in the house – not that I’ll be eating much for the next 4 days. I have my new beautiful blanket ready, some reading materials, and a light lunch. I’m all set.
That’s the physical things ready – but what about my mind? I would love to tell you that you just sleep well and go in there in the morning and have a bright smile on your face. It just doesn’t happen that way. I am NOT angry, or bitter, or mad, or upset etc. about me being the one with cancer and having to go through treatment, but, I am human. I don’t look forward to tomorrow.
You can play all kinds of mind games... “I’ll have 3of the first 4 treatments done – and the last 4 only have 1 drug instead of 2”… “I’ll be almost ˝ way done of all the treatments”…”the original chemo patients didn’t have any anti-nausea meds so I have it so easy” etc. The bottom line – even with a pure heart – I dread tomorrow. It means 3 days of throwing up or my body thinking it needs to every ˝ hour. It means 1.5 weeks of the worst metal taste you can ever imagine – so I loose 6-8 pounds because NOTHING tastes good (don’t worry, the last week before the next treatment, I gain that ALL back). It means my brain telling my body to walk only a few feet to do something and my body doesn’t obey. It means that in one week, my white cells will be so low that I’ll get a sore throat, low grade fever, and mild chills. It means that my red cells will be low and I’ll have to have my Procrit shot every Monday morning. It means we’ll be a couple thousand dollars more in debt and closer to loosing my house. Whoopee... I get to have chemo tomorrow. After that description, I’m sure you are jealous!
I don’t think that God will ever ask me to “like” having chemo. That would be crazy. So, I don’t beat myself up. I just try to hold on to the positive… if the chemo does its job, I’ll be able to be Lon’s wife not for just 10 years but for 20 – 30 years. I’ll be able to watch my children grow old! I’ll be able to be God’s servant and try to reach more people on earth before their eternity ends up in the wrong place. So, here’s to tomorrow! Another treatment, that with God’s help I will survive – another treatment closer to becoming a healthier cancer free wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend!
Thanks to all of you that are supporting me in prayers – you help tomorrow be easier! I will survive chemo and its side effects – I will survive cancer – for God has a plan for me! Watch out world – you haven’t seen the last of me!
Does God really listen and answer prayers?
Today, I got an answered prayer – HOW EXCITING is that to know that my heavenly Daddy does hear and still pulls off miracles. Let me tell you all about it! Last night, I was starting to get my “chemo” stuff ready. I pack a bag of stuff to read and munch on – before the metal taste starts. I take a blanket because I can get the chills. Well, last night I was putting out the blanket I have been taking. It was my Grandma’s so it means a lot, however, it’s darker colors and not all that pretty.
I literally prayed last night – “Lord, the lady down the row had a white blanket with flowers and one lady had a pretty yellow blanket. Lord, I would LOVE a fun blanket for my treatments.”
Just a little bit ago, there was a knock on the door. One of my neighbors – bless her heart – brought me a present. Yes, she had MADE a quilt for me! It was made of many pink bandanas (for Breast Cancer). The corners – all four – have a square of white and black checks for Lon the NASCAR fan to symbolize “RACE FOR LIFE”. It is so beautiful!! Words can’t describe how I felt inside when I received this gift of love – an answer to my prayer! Thanks Daddy for listening and answering! Thanks Jeanette for loving me and making this incredible quilt for me!!
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve set myself up for a high fall. At the beginning of my cancer life, I was feeling very inspired with words of wisdom flowing. I was seeing things through different colored glasses. Now, the glasses are back to clear, scratched because they are from high school, and really don’t make my vision 20/20. I guess reality is setting in!
When you normally have an illness or operation, you feel like you will get back to “normal”. You have surgery and you do some physical therapy and you’ll be better than before. You have a terrible case of the stomach flu and after loosing several pounds – you gain that weight back right away. You feel “like yourself” again.
Reality has set in for me that I may never “feel normal” again. Lon keeps asking me about my right side – you know, the flat side. He wonders how it’s feeling. It doesn’t feel normal and may never feel normal again. It’s a STRANGE feeling. It’s partially numb –you can feel things but with that tingling asleep kind of feeling – not the normal feeling. My arm can move about 90% of what it should – no, I can’t put it above my head while lying down yet. I have to get there before my next PET scan. My white cells are not climbing fast enough so I’m getting more mouth sores that take longer to leave. I have a constant low grade fever. My red cells are just staying low so I am taking Procrit weekly like the cross guard lady on TV. My head and body tells me to “get to work” the house needs my attention, and my body says, “don’t you move off this couch – if you do – I’m going to make you take a nap!” I’ve talked to cancer survivors of 3 and more years – some of this doesn’t ever go away.
SO, how am I reacting today, not so well – but thanks for asking! I had no bad feelings about “me” getting cancer. Why not me? God can and HAS used my cancer to help others see what kind of relationship HE is wishing to have with each one of us. I am having a harder time with the effects cancer may leave in my life. I may have a numb side forever. I may tire much easier forever. I may have to go bankrupt and have a long time before financially on my feet (Amy, is giving me some info on a foundation where I maybe able to get assistance – pray they can help us), I may loose my eyebrows and never get them back (I know that happened to one of the ladies in my support group – rare but can happen – just threw it in here for the dramatic effect!) etc. It’s bad enough to have to go through cancer and the treatments, but when the treatments are done, I want it all to go away!!!!! I don’t want to be left with daily reminders. I cried a few tears today because life may never be like it was “pre-cancer”!!
WOW, I truly was going to leave this blog entry with no profound words – but God just spoke to me (don’t let that weird you out – God has this way for me to hear Him). I was just told to examine my life! God created me to love and worship Him – to be like Him. He created me with NO sin – just perfect. I’m SO far from perfect now. You give me my own free will and I made/make mistakes. Even though I can go to bed at night thinking I made a day without sinning, I know there are hundreds of sins that took place and I am so numb to them I don’t even realize I’m doing them.
God doesn’t want this “daily reminder” one that “may not go away” of how far we have come from being like Him. He cries about our sin just like I cry about my broken body from cancer. He wishes our sinful nature would go away just like I wish my cancer side effects would go away. He wishes that the pain He went through to save us would also remind us to STOP sinning – just like I’d wish the pain from the treatments would go away when the treatment is done. I want to go back to my “normal”. God wants us to go back to His “normal” – someone that lives without sin and lives to worship and love God with our every breath!!
There is nothing I can do about the cancer and what it leaves in my life – except to use it to remember what things I CAN change in my life! I need to try to change my heart to be like the one God created – before I let my free will mess it up! The catch, I know I can’t go back on my own. I am weak; I am a sinner. However, with God’s help – with Him in charge – I can work daily towards being the person that He created! God created us perfect – in His image – and now everyday He looks down and is sadden. What is this world doing!? I don’t want to be a sad “daily reminder” for God! I want to make Him smile. SO, I am going to try extra hard – holding on to HIM for help – to be that person that He created! Starting with giving Him my tough times and letting Him get me through them with positive attitude!!!! NO matter what the cancer leaves in my life forever – God knows about it and He still has BIG plans for me!