A couple of you have asked for me to blog … so here it goes. Today, I went to the doctors at 8:30 this morning for my blood to be drawn and for a Procrit shot. This shot is to help my red blood cells bounce back to “normal” faster – giving me more energy. I certainly don’t mind a little boost! I’m feeling far better than I thought I would as I start week 2. I thank God for that. I’m tired and resting in between house chores, but I am getting more and more done each day.
I was catching up on my biblestudy lessons for tonight. Yes, I had let myself fall a little behind. I’m doing Experiencing God with a friend. This will be my 4th time doing this workbook – obviously, I recommend it to all of you. Anyway, in the first chapters, we are learning that it has to be GOD FIRST – NOT – ME FIRST! God is working and we need to listen to what project He wants our help. How self-centered it would be for us to think that we can go to God and say, “Hey listen God, I’m in the mood – or I think I have the gifts needed for this project. So, that’s what I’ll be doing. Feel free to bless my work!” It’s not about what WE want to do! How many times do we look around the community or our own church and read up on all the openings. Then we find the one “we want” to do and we feel very proud of ourselves.
GOD FIRST appears to be the theme that God is showing me through His scripture, our church service, and when I listen to the Holy Spirit. I am amazed how many people are “letting me off the hook” because I have cancer. It’s all right to think about me. It’s all right to be angry with God for letting me have cancer. It’s all right for me to ask the big question “why me”. You know, I have never asked that question! I have never allowed myself to think because I’m going through some rough (or rougher waters) that I have the right to slide and put ME first. No, it’s got to remain God first NO MATTER WHAT.
Let me try to explain why I have such peace with that! God begins His work and then asks us to join Him. He takes us as we are and uses us for His good. Take Moses for example. God wanted Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses’ first reaction is “I can’t do that”. Moses thought of all of his excuses – not the leader type – not a good speaker – etc. God didn’t “change” Moses – He used Moses the way He created him. God created us with the purpose to be His servants – so even in our weakness or deficiencies, we are perfect for the assignment He has for us! So, that gives me peace that in my weakness from chemo treatments – or my weakness because God only has revealed the first step of His work for me – I am good just the way I am. I just have to give my all for God. If I can make something from my bad situation – isn’t that incredible! Do I want to go through chemo with the “me” attitude of this is a waste and unfair situation? I would prefer to go through this with an “even in this condition, I’m special enough for God to use me in a special way” attitude! With that attitude, I can feel so special inside – that God knows that through this darker time in my life – I am the perfect person for one of His jobs!
Secondly, God sometimes needs us to go through some “deep water” first to create our personality and character to be strong enough or to learn some “tweaking” lessons so that we can do BIGGER and more INCREDIBLE things for Him. David had to wait to get the throne and Abraham had to wait for his son. If God feels that I have to take sometime to learn valuable lessons by having to go through his cancer – just think of what HUGE and AMAZING plans He may have for me! I sit and think what I can do for God. It’s not real impressive. Then, I think, “I wonder what I’ll be able to do after the lessons God wishes to teach me”. It could impact more people for His kingdom. If I learn the lesson God wants me to learn – He could use me to make SIGNIFICANT differences. Won’t that be cool! Maybe someday, I’ll sit back and see how God used me and think inside that even in my wildest dreams I didn’t think I could be used in such a big way.
The bottom line is to keep GOD FIRST, find out where He is working, and then LISTEN for His directions on how you are going to be used in His plans! Then, your life will have greater impact than you can imagine. This means, no matter how hard life can be for you, stay focused! Don’t give in to the “poor me” syndrome! Yes, I had cancer, 3 surgeries, and 8 cycles of chemo treatment – I thank God that this will mold me to be the one He needs for one of His jobs!
Several people have asked Lonnie and myself if I am really doing as well as my blog says I am. Guess some of you are wondering if I am good at faking. Well, here’s my answer, yes, I have been doing great. However, I don’t want you to think I’m not normal – I have my moments. Matter of fact, today is a VERY HARD day for me!
You see, one of the side effects this chemo is having on my body is constipation. Yes, a couple days ago I was screaming, “Please God, I’d rather give natural birth to twins at the same time then allow this to come out!” (Sorry for the bluntness). It hurt – I bled! So, last night to be on the safe side, I took good old stand by Milk of Magnesia - you know, the pink chalk stuff. Plus, Lon told me onions work so I had a few spoons full with my chicken dinner. Can you guess how I spent my night? Yes, at 2:30am I put a new TP roll on – and at 8am I had to put another new roll on again!
Now let me tell you how traumatic this is about using that much TP. My wonderful Grandpa Sam had a cottage up in Star Lake Wisconsin. We went there every summer. The cottage had it’s own septic etc. and “backing up” was not uncommon. So, Gramps EVERY TIME you went into the “little room” would yell, “Don’t use more than 4 squares!” Well, our septic here in Bakersfield has been known to plug up more than our septic in Illinois. I do get very paranoid of back ups – especially when the toilet has something in it – you know where I’m going with that. So, in honor of Gramps, I was watching my “square” usage last night!
This morning, I looked in the mirror – and it was either a “distorted” mirror – or I am seeing changes I don’t like. I am at the lowest weight I have been since before Keona was born. Now, if I had lost this weight trying I would be SO excited. Loosing it through this situation is not flattering. My skin is dried looking – old looking – but at the same time full of ZITS! My hair is rougher – and yes, couple more than normal strands fell out. My tongue has sores around the edges. Let’s just say that the lady in the mirror isn’t how I like to think of myself. And to top it off – this is treatment #1 – still 7 more to go.
SO, I got into the shower – a very hot shower – and began to shed a few tears. I began to tell my heavenly Daddy that I was ticked! I am mad! I am not pleased! I am scared! Then, I thought I better end it with a “please forgive me for feeling this way!” My heavenly Daddy immediately gave me a big hug (yes, my heavenly Daddy even showers with me) and said to me, “Donna my sweet daughter, I have NEVER asked you to NOT FEEL! I have never told you that you need to live through this with no emotions! I have never told you that pain and sorrow won’t be a real part of your life on earth. What I have told you – what makes you different because of your love for Me – is that while dealing with your emotions, know that the cancer and treatments affect you BUT I HAVE CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR BODY!”
Was that what I needed to hear! It’s so incredible that an all loving all knowing heavenly Daddy would know exactly what I needed to hear! I can mourn the loss of my hair. I can get upset about my body feeling frail because the treatments will affect my body. HOWEVER, I need to live with peace and the knowledge that IT doesn’t have control. NOTHING will happen to my body that my heavenly Daddy doesn’t know about or allow! I don’t have to understand the whys – I can have prefect peace that He knows the whys and He is in control! I can walk through it all – even through my dark days – because ultimately, my Daddy is in control!
So yes, today I am dealing harder with some of my emotions! It’s not been an all “uplifting happy go lucky” kind of day! That’s OK! Because even through my human emotions, I HAVE PRFECT PEACE – the peace that only my heavenly Daddy can give me!
I don’t know what’s affecting your life – sickness – treatments – kids making bad choices – marriages that are less than perfect – someone has harmed you or wronged you – money is lacking (we know that one too) etc. Please hear this... you have the right to deal with the emotions that those things cause because they do AFFECT you – but have peace because they do not CONTROL you – your heavenly Daddy does!! Be real – take your emotions to Jesus – tell Him you need help sorting through them and tell Him that you need the peace only He can give through those emotions! I will promise you – HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!
So, I guess I have bad days … wait, can I even call them bad days if I am still leaving in a PEACE that is supernatural!!?!?!?? I am SO BLESSED!!
I asked a friend today how she was doing. Her reply, “I’m surviving!” What does that mean? I have said that for most of my adult life – I’m surviving. Does that mean I did enough today to feel good about the day? Does it mean I did what it takes to make it through the day? Does it mean no ups or down I just coasted? Does it mean I can just chalk off another day? Is “surviving” a good thing? Or is there more to life than just “surviving”?
Most of my life was just surviving. I was a good person – a decent wife – a good mom. I did enough around the home, school, church, and community to be able to go to bed not feeling guilty. I was a true loyal friend to the few I allowed to be in my “real” friendship circle. Basically, everyone thought I was a “good” person – so I was surviving.
God had to make a drastic change in my life for me to see that He doesn’t want me to “survive”! He wants me to LIVE! God brought me to Bakersfield to learn this lesson. The first thing God did was to have me meet Frank and Phyllis – my adoptive CA parents. They noticed right away that I was all about my “to do list”… “keeping the house up for appearance”… “staying active for appearance” etc. They saw that I was all about surviving. They introduced a new concept to me … like duh … God didn’t put me on this earth to survive – it’s not even about me! God put me on this earth to serve Him by being here for others! WOW – what an impact. You mean God thinks people are more important than my “list”?!!?
I began to think about that – this has nothing to do about me – but others. God didn’t put me on this earth to get things done for myself – so I could have fun etc. God put me on this earth to be His arms, feet, and heart for others. Over one year now I have tried to LIVE my life instead of surviving. I began with baby steps. I took a dinner to someone that had surgery. I began to offer my home for childcare when friends were busy or just needed a break. I even walked up to friends – knowing that they may “need” to talk for hours - instead of turning around and running so I could mark something off my “to do list”. I began hearing people’s hearts! I began seeing needs. I began LIVING!
Now, I can’t imagine waking up and saying to God, “Lord, please help me survive today!” My prayer today and everyday is Lord, please help me live so I can be here for others! I start my day with a few “to dos” but with the awareness that my schedule can change with a blink of the eye. I can actually say, I can lay my head down at night with no guilt even if nothing on my to do list was crossed off – IF I touched someone’s life!
Now, I have cancer and these lovely chemo treatments. They are on my to do list and they aren’t going anywhere. I have the RIGHT to take a break and SURVIVE! I actually remember saying those words when I was diagnosed – I’ll survive! GOD has put his foot down and said, “NO WAY DONNA! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SURVIVE CHEMO – YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!” I may live with a brick feeling in my tummy and the feeling of extreme tiredness, but I will live! Yes, everyday, even in my condition, I have found ways that I can serve God by helping others! What an incredible feeling.
The twist of all of this is the reward I receive for putting others before myself! I feel more complete – happier – and a greater sense of God’s peace! I know that my heavenly Daddy is looking down and saying, “Sweetheart – GOOD JOB – you are living!!”
What roadblocks are in your life from stopping you from living? Is surviving all you know? I ask you to think about how complete you feel – just surviving. If you don’t go to bed every night thanking God for the day and the impact He allowed you to have for His sake, I ask you to pray, “God, show me how to live and not just survive!” I will promise you that if you feel ½ the satisfaction that I now live with – you’ll know you made the right decision! Think of the impact we’ll all make for God by LIVING!
PS … have you ever heard of chemo Brain? Well, it’s supposed to be a true thing – and hit some people after the chemo treatments. I don’t know if it hit me yet – but I’m sure saying it has so I have an excuse!!! Typing is getting harder for me – the eye hand coordination. My hands don’t seem to hit the right keys like they use to. I have “word spell” – but please be patient with my blog if things are spelled correctly but make no sense! This too should pass – I think – but if it doesn’t, what a great new cop-out since I’m not blonde (he he he)
Ok... what does chemo and pregnancy have in common.... CRAVINGS! For the last 3 days, I have been hungry. I know what sounds good and then it's put in front of me. The smell is the worst smell ever. My stomach starts doing flips also feels like there is a brick on the bottom just sitting there. So, I eat a bite - or not - and move on with my day. I'm supposed to try to eat several meals a day so I don't loose weight.
At dinner tonight - it was Zavier's time to cook (so of course Mac'n cheese) - the kids were asking why I wasn't eating. I explained to them that food looks good to mom until it's right there. Lon started to tell them about my cravings when I was pregnant with them. With Keona, I had to have SPICY MEXICAN and with Zavier, CHEESE PIZZAS!
All that talk about pizza!!! I had to have some. So, my "Knight in Shinning Armor" – ‘aka’ MY DEAR SWEET HUBBY - ran to the store, purchase a pizza and brought it home and cooked it for me! The whole time I was praying that I could do more than just look at it - but really maybe eat a piece! PRAISE GOD... GO Donna ... Go Donna... I ate 2 pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Lon for loving me enough to take the risk knowing that after you got it ready I may just look at it and gag! Thank you for loving me enough to put my cravings first! Thank you ... for being my soul mate :-) Here's to leftovers tomorrow!!
1 – 2 – 3 – 4 pieces of hair fell out during my shower today! WOW... usually I loose 10 or more. These 4 pieces though started putting questions into my head. When will my hair fall out? Will it come out in pieces or a big handful? The doctors say that because of one of my drugs, it’s a 99.99 chance I’ll loose my hair – could I be the miracle? Will my eyebrows be as stubborn as I have been told I can be and will they at least hold on?
I see a pattern here… what will the future bring? It started back on Nov 17th. What if this is not “false” alarm #3? What if they want to take my breast? What if the cancer is in my nodes? Will I ever get my movement back in my arm? What’s it going to be like to have a port inside of me – will my body approve of that? What will the chemo be like? How will I react while it’s dripping? How will the next few days go for me? Will the next cycle be much worse?
I have decided – with not needing a whole lot of brainpower – that the lesson God choices to teach cancer patients is this … don’t worry or be anxious about tomorrow! Live in the day!
The night before my first chemo cycle, God told me to read Matthew 6: 25-36. I wanted to obey so I read it. My thoughts, “Yep God, great verses… they say the same thing as the last hundreds of times I have read it!” Ever feel like that? The scripture is supposed to be so powerful but because you have read it over and over it can loose its “punch”.
Then, I remembered that God had my friend Janet give me her Bible – it was different. The comments in her bible seem to touch me deeply. So, I began to read the commentary for these verses. Listen to what it has to say about “tomorrow”.
“Because of the ill effects of worry, Jesus tells not to worry about those needs that God promises to supply. Worry may (1) damage your health (2) cause the object of your worry to consume your thoughts (3) disrupt your productivity (4) negatively affect the way you treat others, and (5) reduce your ability to trust in God. How many ill effects of worry are you experiencing? Here is the difference between worry and genuine concern – worry immobilizes, but concern moves you to ACTION.”
This is not always easy for a planner like me to understand “worry and being prepared”. The commentary helped me with that too! “Planning for tomorrow is time well spent; worrying about tomorrow is time wasted. Careful planning is thinking ahead about goals, steps, and schedule, and trusting in God’s guidance. When done well, planning can help alleviate worry. Worriers, by contrast, are consumed by fear and find it difficult to trust God. Don’t let worry about tomorrow affect your relationship with God today!”
1-2-3-4 pieces of hair fell out today (that I saw). I am NOT going to worry or be anxious – I am prepared. Yes, I have hairpieces, a wig, and some beautiful wonderful hats just waiting for my baldhead! I have this covered. However, are there other areas in my life – or your life - that you are a “worrier” and not a “planner”? Ask Jesus to help you with that… He would love to do nothing else!
I forgot to mention the BIGGEST BLESSING so far .. my PET and CT scans came back - there is no other cancer found at this point!! This chemo will kill any cancer that was not detected on those tests and I should be cancer FREE :-)
God is my healer!
Don't want to make this too short :-) Just thought you would like to know that day one is above and beyond my dreams! I have some nausea but I haven't needed a bowl yet! I'm tired but no more than every morning when the alarm goes off. I feel truly BLESSED!
I am not living in a fantasy land - I realize the next days could be worse and with each treatment my body will not be able to handle it as well - but GOD tells me to live in the moment and I FEEL GREAT! He will help me in the days and months when I must live for that day.
SO, here's to another day to live for my Lord - and to enjoy this beautiful SUNSHINE!!!!!!
Ok .. I have so much to say, but I do need a rest. So, this WILL BE SHORT and then I'll hook up again later!
I am home and I have one treatment done! The not knowing was hard. When they started the drip I was wondering when the sick feeling would come etc. I'm pleased to report that so far I feel fine. I'm tired - but I think that was more due to anticipation. I am pleased with how it went and how I feel now.
The next 3 days will be the test for my tummy. I do have meds for each day that I will take faithfully.
On day 7-10 is when my fatigue could set in. I'm preparing ahead - I'm going to go take a nap :-)
I need to thank you all for your prayers and support. I could feel all of you with me during the 4 hour drip. I know that God was sitting in the seat right with me! Thank you for taking this journey with me!
I DID IT .. no not the chemo ... a SHORT BLOG!!!!!
Until I type again, have a Christ Centered Day
I think this will be my first - and maybe only short blog :-) I don't have a lot to say - I just needed to talk.
When I told some friends and family that I have cancer and will need chemo, you wouldn't believe how many books, articles etc. I received. The National Cancer something sent me about 10 books ... how to eat, how to tell your young children, cancer treatments etc. I read a lot of them - yes, me the non-reader. I learned about the chemo - about diets that will help if I get mouth sores - an excellent book was recommended to me to read to the kids which we did, and I have shared things with my parents from the books to help this cope from a distance.
The one thing that NONE of them talk about is the night before chemo. WHY!!!? I'll tell you why - how should I be feeling? What should you do to prepare? It's such a bittersweet night. It's a night that NO ONE on this earth knows what tomorrow will bring for me. Chemo effects everyone differently - that's what I have read in many books.
So I sit here tonight wondering about tomorrow. I have the house cleaned - ok not really clean but tidy. I have all the laundry done in the house - the kids and Lon need clean underwear. I have dinners packed in the freezer from friends. I have a "bag" packed with a book, CD player, snacks etc. I am ready for my big day.
What is the BIG DAY going to be like? On the sweet side - it's finally here! Yes, the poison that will kill any cancer cells floating around so I'll be cancer free! The anticipation will be over and I'll find out how my body is going to react and then this "planner / scheduler" can get back to work filling the calendar with normal routine activities or no activities if my body doesn't do well with the chemo. The unknown will be known... that’s sweet!
The bitter side is we begin the battle of fatigue, feeling like "loosing my cookies" (I always thought that was a nice way to put it), and yes, the hair will begin to thin. On some days, I may not be able to be that mom that loves to be active with her kids. I may have to be the "nagging" wife (ok, more than normal) and rely on Lon for more help with the house. I may not be myself for months.
The one thing that is hitting me hard tonight - that's all about me. Me... my chemo .. my reaction ... my abilities etc. Tonight should be a night where I don't sit and wonder - but I sit and pray. For my God already knows all of the unknowns. He knows how my body will react,.. He knows what I will and won't be able to do ... He knows how is this going to affect people around me and how it can bring glory to His work. HE KNOWS! All I have to do tonight - is lean back - and say, "I give it all to you!"
It doesn't have to be just the night before chemo. For you (and us) it could be the night before a job interview ... the night before a doctor's appointment... the night before you have to see someone that you have a rocky relationship with... the night before you have to make a big decision ... or the night before you have to go to bed and get up the next morning! EVERYDAY is a day that God is in charge of! Every night is a night that we need to rest our bodies - clear our minds and say, "Tomorrow belongs to GOD!"
SO... what should I do the night before Chemo ... GIVE TOMORROW TO MY PRECIOUS SAVIOR! Good night to you all!!! I'll let you know how God's day went for me either tomorrow night or Tuesday!
SLEEP WELL!
(Stop laughing LON!!!! I truly tried to do a short entry!!!!)
You hear the words, “You have breast cancer”. Your mind is flooding with thoughts … will I die being the heaviest. This lies on your mind every time you feel a twitch, you get a headache, and you feel something “strange” in your body. You lay in bed wondering if there are some cells floating around invading your good cells. It’s such a big idea to have to grasp... I have cancer.
However, it’s NOT the scariest. No, that’s the chemo! The questions you ask yourself about the chemo are … will I loose all of my hair… will I throw up consistently … will I have any energy to function ... will I be able to do the shopping and feed my family?
I find myself in a place that is overwhelming! You see, I DON’T have to ask all of those questions – I did ask about the hair. I don’t have to worry about my house or my family. Why, because GOD said I don’t have to do anything alone. He is with me! Obviously, God isn’t about to come down and fix dinner (wouldn’t that be just way too cool), but He sent His servants!
In just a couple of hours, I’ll be attending my Birthday/Last Hurrah Before Chemo party with my support group – my neighbors, friends, and church family! Yes, I just took a sponge bath (can’t get the 3rd surgeries’ bandages wet), fixed my hair and did my nails, for tonight we are going to PARTY! These people really know how to show GOD’s love! It’s totally amazing.
We have dinners in the freezer and more on the way. We’ve had numerous offers for childcare and even cleaning my house. I’ve received prayer support from around the country. I have received financial gifts to help with the cost of wigs and anti-nausea meds ($33 a pill – YIKES). I will have NO NEEDS during my 6 months of chemo. I do not fear this Monday morning (9:30 the drip begins). I love you all for that!
I can’t imagine someone facing chemo with no support system! How can they do it! I can’t imagine having a negative attitude unless you don’t have a support team. I have been told that with a positive attitude and a support team – I will beat this cancer! I just needed to tell you all – that because of you all – I HAVE BEATEN THIS CANCER! Thank you SO MUCH for being God’s servants! Thank you for loving my family and me! I pray that I learn from you all and shower others with the love that you have shown me!
NOW… LET’S GO PARTY!
Vanity... I think we all have some degree of worrying about our looks! I realize that all women aren’t as bad as I can be, but let’s face it, builders are becoming much smarter and the bathrooms in new homes are getting bigger and more beautiful. Why, because that’s where we spend most of our mornings putting on our “face” - as my mom use to call it - and fixing our hair.
Hair... now there can be a ½-one hour spent every morning. We wake up and wash our hair with shampoo and condition it. We then “add product” that will make our hairstyle easier. We then spend time styling our hair … either straightening it out or curling it in one of a hundred ways or teasing it so it sticks up, down, out in just that perfect way. After it’s in that perfect style (which we hope looks very natural) we use a can of hairspray to hold it in place. We spend loads of money on all of the cleaning and styling products. Have you noticed that when you go over night somewhere – ½ of the suitcase is packed with hair products? Once the vanity (or is it old age) sets in, you start spending hours walking up and down the hair dye aisle looking at each sample questioning if you should go darker, lighter, redder, or a combination of 2 or more colors. After all is said and done, you don’t want anybody or anything to mess up your hair. You avoid outdoors, children who like to touch, or even your spouse. You pamper yourself – dress your self up – and then put a “DON’T TOUCH” sign around your neck. If I’m not describing any of you – then I will confess that this describes me!
I had my Chemo education class a few days ago. When the nurse was going over the drugs that will be dripping into me, she said that one of the drugs is a beautiful red color. However, that beautiful drug will assure that every strand of my hair will fall out. SO, today was the big day. I BOUGHT A WIG!!!!!! Yes, I went to Links to Life, a great Bakersfield Breast Cancer group where I am finding wonderful support, and I purchased my first – and probably only wig. I sat in a chair and my head was measured. I have to take the time to brag – I actually have a very petite head! Then, we started trying on wigs. I tried on a wig and it was too big. I tried another one on and it was a little too snug. I tried others on that were too dark, too short etc. How vain could I get? I probably won’t wear this more than a handful of times – but I was picky! It needs to look perfect. Although I don’t think the one I bought is perfect – it really works. I purchased the special shampoo, conditioner, and hair spray too. The cancer may take my own hair – but I can still be VAIN!
This is not part of my thoughts – but I have to tell you this funny story – then remind me to get back on track. Zavier and Keona have been hesitant about the whole hair thing. That’s why I cut my hair short a few weeks back. Well, I put on my new “hair” which is redder and shorter. The kids came home from school and we did our routine inquisition... how was school? Lunch? Homework? Friends? Etc. We probably talked for 30 minutes. Then, I had them sit very close to me on the couch. With a straight serious voice, I said, “I have something very serious we need to discuss. I don’t think the wig should upset you guys!” As I said that, I took of the wig in a quick movement and said, “Because I’ve been wearing one!” You should have seen the kid’s eyes!!! THEY WERE IN TOTAL SHOCK!!! It was TOOOOOOO funny! Of course, they both had to try it on etc. We had a fun fun time together.
Now, back to the deeper thoughts; all this vanity; all this commotion about my hair and all this time and money spent. We spend time – our biggest asset – making sure it looks its best before we start our day. OK, here’s the deep thought. If I spend that much time and money etc. on my hair … how much time etc. do I spend to make sure my heart is just perfect when I start my day???? WOW – I certainly FAIL there. I don’t wake up wondering if my heart is in the right place … loving my neighbors… guarded from the “storms”… is ready to make an impression etc.!!!!! I don’t always invest in the products I need to “style” my heart… a better study Bible (my friend had to give me one to use), books from wise Christian authors that can train me to have a better walk, tapes or CDs of praise to listen too. I wake up and my vanity is about my outside appearance not my inside appearance. Is God pleased with that – I have a feeling the answer is “no”. When you ask me what I HATE most about the cancer – it’s loosing my hair. I think this should be the thing I’m most excited about!! I’ll have no excuse but to re-arrange my schedule so my morning routine is not about hair but about heart!
It’s Sunday so you go to church. You figure you’ve been going to church for years and years – what knew could the Pastor talk about today. I’ve heard it all before. Can today really impact me that much!?
I sat and listened today to a sermon on “The Good Samaritan”. I have read that parable 100 times – heard a sermon on it hundred Sundays – even taught it 100 times to children through my pre-school teaching days, the Kid’s Ministry at Life Journey, and to my own kids. I KNOW every detail … WRONG! First, did you know that it was OK for the Priests to walk on by – well it was – but that’s not where I’m going with this (I can get you a CD of the sermon to find out why it was OK). J What I HEARD for the first time is how God was talking and showing the “COST” it can take to love your neighbor; not just the “good heart” you need – but the cost you may have!
Maybe I’ve heard it many times before – but it hit me today so much differently – maybe because of my Breast Cancer! God knows and expects us to all have a “cost” for choosing to love our neighbors. As in the parable, your cost could be time – that’s HUGE! We all know that are time is our most valuable commodity – we can’t afford to “give” it away. It may cost you money – which takes your time to earn. There is always something you can use that money for that will benefit you or your family! Those are the obvious costs.
As I sat listening today, I was thinking what cost does God want me to offer for my neighbors… Um duh … my health! Yes, I’m actually saying this cancer MAYBE from GOD in GOD’S plan – grasp that one! Normally, when people get cancer or some other life threatening sickness, we say that God “allowed” it and He can use it for our good. What if God didn’t just “allow” it but “planned” it?? That is something most of us can’t think about – how can a “loving” God afflict us with sickness or death. What if that is the “cost” God wants me to give for my neighbors? Do I then turn my back and tell God it’s too big of a cost? Do I get angry with God and tell Him there could have been a different way?
The cost of my cancer could actually bring someone to know God in a personal way and then they would have the gift of eternal life. Here are some examples …
My family doctor called me on Nov 22nd to tell me I had cancer. You could hear his voice shivering – the words there on his tongue. He finally found sound to put behind the words, “Donna, I’m so sorry to tell you, but it was cancer!” Ok, I was in shock! I was in too much shock to do anything but say, “OK, thanks so much for telling me. I really appreciate your personal touch. You have been a real God thing for our family. Just let me know what our next step is and let’s get started!” I think this blew him away. He was anticipating me to break down – or to be angry – or to just plain loose it. I didn’t – well maybe I did – but God spoke through me so quickly that he or I didn’t know it. My doctor saw strength and a positive attitude. He heard me say that God and I would make it! That Sunday, he was at our church just to see me and find out how my mastectomy went. He had not been inside of a church for a while is my understanding. He couldn’t stay for the whole service – he was on call – but he’s coming back. My family doctor is COMING BACK to check out a church!
I have a neighbor that I chit chat with on occasions. Well, she has never known anyone with cancer – yes, I’m her first. She wants to be “a part” of this for me. She wants to “do something” for me. We used to just talk as the kids walked to the bus stop but now she comes to the house very often to see what she can do for me. Sounds like a good neighbor! Every time she comes down, she asks me questions looking for me to say I’m depressed or angry or bitter etc. She never hears that from me. She’s not the only one looking for me to be extremely negative. She asked me why I’m so strong and I was given the opportunity to tell her I’m not – but HE is and that’s who I’m walking this walk with. She told another one of my neighbors that she’s never seen someone with such a close relationship with God. Now, I’m not agreeing with her – boy do I have a lot of learning still – but my cancer brought her closer to me, which allowed her to see my GOD!
I am having test after test done at CBCC (Comprehensive Blood and Cancer Center) here in Bakersfield. I will also be having my 8 cycles of chemo and 5-6 weeks of radiation. Let’s face it, CBCC is now my “home away from home”! The first time I walked in there, I saw the many “hats” in the waiting room. I knew that this is the place that was going to make me sick – feel tired – want to throw up – and the worse of all, loose my hair. As I walked up to the sign-in area, I looked at all the faces behind the counters. My inside was saying – don’t like them – they are taking you to the places that you will not like. Then my heart kicked in … when I reached the counter, I was smiling, asking questions about their day, and trying to crack a few jokes. They looked at me like I was an alien from a different planet. I have cancer – what am I doing caring about them! Like I said, I go in there almost daily for something. Now, I walk up and they all start talking to me right away. What do they think about me? Do they see something different? Are they curious? I think so – and I have many more days to work on that!
The cost of cancer is GREAT! It’s costing me time with surgeries, rehabilitation, tests and treatments. It’s costing me WAY TOO MUCH money. It’s costing me time with my family and the ability to be an active mom on some days. It’s costing me the normal ability to “plan” events. It’s costing me my HAIR… OUCH! Through all of the costs, it’s bringing me closer to my neighbors – neighbors that probably have no clue where they are spending their eternal life. Is my “cost” going to allow me to “love” them – I think so!
Look at the “my” cost of cancer that I’m willing to undergo for my neighbors. How dare I stop for a second and feel sorry for myself. Nowhere in the list of my costs did I mention DEATH! Christ loves His neighbors – or children. Praise Him that it includes ME. Christ didn’t just have to give up time to sit in the most comfy chemo chairs. He didn’t have to have the cost of a few surgeries and an arm to rehabilitate. He didn’t have the cost – the forbidden cost of being “bald”. No, Christ had the cost of being beaten almost to death. He had the cost of people spitting on Him. He had the cost of watching His mom have to see what they were doing to her child. He had the cost of bearing all of our sins or wrong stuff we do on His shoulders. He had the cost off a thorn crown pounded into his head. He had the cost of nails driven through his palms and feet. He had the cost of being apart from His father. He had the cost of DEATH!
Breast Cancer... what if God did “plan” and not just “allow” me to have it? I will try to thank Him because He has given me more opportunities to love my neighbors – even if in my eyes, the cost seems great! For I know my cost of loving my neighbors will NEVER compare to the cost He accepted to love me!!!!
When it came to my years of school, I endured every day – every test – every assignment. I went through 4 years (ok, it took me 15 years part time) of college doing the drill so I could finally get that piece of paper that said I MADE IT! I memorized for the tests and got an “A” and then the next day forgot everything I had studied.
Now, I have breast cancer. I am a professional at enduring through situations – just living one day at a time. I’m extra tough and stubborn. I get through it to go on to the next day. I can sit and have them hook me to my IV and start dripping in meds that I don’t even know what their part in this whole thing. I can sit and hear them explain side effects and future treatments etc. and just be sitting there hearing but not listening. I can work on arm therapy trying to get the movement back in my arm like it’s a military drill instead of remembering why my arm is in that shape. I can glide through life – let what needs to happen happen – and I don’t “experience” anything.
Is this what God wants for my life – to glide through life – to walk through it with the attitude of “just get it done”? I don’t feel that’s why I am on this earth – to walk each day so “matter of fact”. I’m here to be learning and then doing!
Once again, Keona (is she not my angel) taught me to Learn not just Endure. The other day, she came home and was glowing! She had something big I knew she needed to share with me. She could hardly hold it in – she was going to burst at the seams. We went into her room, she sat me on her bed, and she turned off the lights. She turned it back on and with the biggest smile on her face and asked me what I saw. Ok … what kind of question was that … I saw the light go on … “no light then poof light”. “WRONG”, she tells me. She continues to tell me that what I saw was billions of light rays flowing through the air but because they travel at 846,000 mile per second, it looks like it was just a “poof”. For this my daughter was bursting at the seams!? I asked her if she found this interesting – not only did she find this fact so incredibly cool – it made her want to soak up more and more and more (Yes, obviously she is Lon’s kid). The excitement to learn was contagious!
Cancer is a roadblock. It’s not fun – fair – or understandable! The fact that we have lived week by week for 2 years wondering if we’ll have grocery money is not fun – fair or understandable! Life has its trials and we have to live through them. What I am wondering is if we are Learning or Enduring from them!?
The greatest lesson I have learned these past two years – and so grateful that I learned it before the cancer hit – is that I am HAPPY FOR MY TRIALS! I have changed and I am LEARNING NOT ENDURING! I am pleased to say that I agree with James – I rejoice when I see something coming my way! During these hard times – like my breast cancer – I have to learn from situations not just endure. When I do that, I am developing the person God wanted me to be when he created me (just a few years ago of course). Through all of these I have learned to love people. Yes, I look for reasons to care for people. I set aside my to-do list (one of the hardest lessons for me) to talk with someone for hours if that’s what she needs. I have learned to count my blessing every time I put dinner on the table – for there are people 20 minutes from me that are not eating. I have learned that I can’t overcome the trials that are coming my way – as strong and stubborn as I am – but my only hope of survival is leaning on God! I have learned that my job here on this earth is to LEARN so I can help God with his mission of letting the world know that they have FREE salvation in HIM! Without sounding like my head is 3 feet wide, I am SO PROUD of myself for who I have become! I think God is really pleased with me – and isn’t that what every child wants – their Daddy to be proud of them!?
I like me... because I now LEARN and not ENDURE! What are you doing with your life?
They say that we can learn everything we need to know from children. We can learn how to be honest. We can learn how to show pain and sadness and not cover it up. We can show our fears and not be ashamed. We can see true faith - believing in something you haven't seen. Why do children learn from us - why aren't we spending more time learning from them?
My cancer has made me learn from my children. What have I learned the most ... I have learned that my children have the strongest foundation of faith that I can only dream up having. I have learned that my children understand that the sole purpose they are on this earth is to be God's workers. They understand that - they have accepted the job! They didn't ask what the job was first. They didn't ask what would the cost be for them. They heard what the assignment was through our incredible children's ministry - through reading the Bible - I'd like to say from Lon and I too, and they moved forward. I am in awe of my children! Praise God for giving me the gift to be their mom on this earth!
Here's just a few examples since Nov 22 when we heard the words .. you have Breast Cancer...
After telling the kids I have cancer, Keona asked if I'd lose my hair like "Miss Julie" did. I said yes. Keona's comment, "Don't worry mom! God teaches us to love others because of their heart - not their outward appearance!"
When I told Zavier that I was going to have my boob cut off (yes, we are VERY blunt around here) He said, "Mom I know that you love God and are a Christian. When you die, God will take you to heaven." That hit me, but not as hard as what I heard when I came home from the hospital. In one of our alone times, Zavier said, "Mom, I thought you'd die the minute they cut part of your body off!" In Zavier's young but big heart, he had already said good-bye to his mom - but was unselfish and happy to know his mom would be in heaven!
Keona has told the world about mom having only one boob! Yes, the neighborhood kids look differently at me know - you can just see their minds turning and wondering what it looks like under my shirt :-) I asked Keona why she needed to tell everyone. She replied, "Mom, they need to see that God is helping us through this! This is a great way to talk about God wth the other kids." Can't say I have used my cancer to talk about God to an unbeliever yet - why not?
The cards, prayers, food, childcare has poured in like you can't imagine! I praise God for the authentic community that He placed us in before the cancer journey began. Obviously, so does Keona. She told me once, "in the Bible we are told to help others - to give them anything they need - Mom, that's why people are helping us! That's why we need to continue to give our clothes and old toys to others" I don't think I understood the gift of giving and the gift of receiving until this year - when our finances got low. Why did Keona grasp it so early - good teaching - OR not so many years of greed built up. I have to ask myself what took me so long!?
Being in the right place at the right time is not a freak accident. Keona's comment once, "Well, at least you didn't cancer until God has us in Bakersfield where He wanted us!" My chldren are learning that God has this all planned. Oh yeah, we adults know that, but do we believe it!!? How many times do we sit back scratching our chin saying .. my gosh, look how this is all playing out - like it was planned ... like duh :-)
My final lesson from Keona this week - not dealing with cancer - but dealing with hurt came when Delana was ready to go back to Texas. Yes, Delana has returned to her life in Houston - can't really go into detail because I have too many emotions to deal with first. Anyway, one of my emotions is definitely hurt and anger that I am dealing with. I couldn't talk to Delana the last few days she was here - didn't have the words and my heart was not in the right place. Keona was upset for Kaci and not pleased with Delana's decision, but she put that aside. Keona made her sister a pillow for her long drive back. Inside the pillow was a paper, it said, "Delana, God will be with you where ever you go and whatever you do! Love, Keona" ... Why didn't I say that to my own daughter. I wasn't even caring that God was with her the day she left. Delana created a situation that we all have to deal with. Keona pushed that aside for later and still showed her sister that she cared. I didn't! How many times has God said to me, "Donna, I still love you" when He had too many emotions to deal with because of my "wrong doings". How many times have I done the same "wrong thing" over and over. Well, let me tell you something ... a child will show you how to be Christlike! They will really love you no matter what!
There are more stories but I'll get typing cramps! Bottom line - I have the most incredible kids! You probably do too :-) Listen to your children - learn from your children - try to act like your chldren in "God" situations! With our age, comes a lot of bad habits - misconceived notions - inner pride. Here's to our young but wise teachers .... "OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES"!
1. Helped to see I needed to have “more fun” with the family – less cleaning
2. Helped my family find new “family games” – like who can draw the best eyebrows
3. Made me go “out of my box” and cut my hair short after over 30 years
4. Makes me feel feminine – pink pee
5. Helps me save money (no shampoo, razors, hair products etc) – now if you started thinking abut the $20,000 it’s going to cost me, you are failing my activity of looking at the POSITIVE
6. It’s making my family be exposed to delicious foods I wouldn’t have known about thanks to so many providing dinners
7. It’s given me ½ hour of more free time each day … don’t have to clean up my hair from the tub – vacuum the floor – blow dry my hair – or put product in
8. It’s allowed me dress more casual – must wear loose fitting clothes to treatments
9. Allowed me to meet many wonderful people I would have never met
10. Made me lean on my heavenly Daddy more because I can’t do this on my own – wouldn’t even think of trying
11. Allowed me to get out of heavy lifting
12. Gave me the privilege of seeing what a “unshaved” arm pit would be like – and helped me to see that I should never complain about shaving again
13. Gave me a reason to wear hats (my dad always said he liked me in a hat and I was never bold enough)
14. It has shown me without a doubt how much my husband and kids love me – mostly my husband … he finds me sexy with only one boobJ
15. It’s given me and my family the gift of seeing the possibility of death and not being afraid – knowing that I KNOW where I’m going
16. Gave the kids a reason to start learning to cook (afraid mom will be too tired and they may starve)
17. Gave me a better appreciation for the color pink (use to be one of my least favorite colors)
18. Allowed my husband to get out of jury duty
19. My right arm will never be stuck again for IV or blood drawn … my left arm is learning true love for my right arm – love is never jealous
20. It was the push I needed for my friend to record a CD of her singing for me