Sometimes, I feel trapped by the chemo. I feel like it surrounds me and I can’t get away. It feels all consuming. The smells are everywhere. I can smell the room where the poison drips into my veins – and I instantly feel like throwing up. I can smell the drugs in my bathroom every time I go in there to wash my hands or use the potty. I can smell the smells on my pillow. I have every window opened (praise God He moved me to CA) and yet the smells linger in the house. I don’t think anyone else can smell them – but I can!
I can taste the chemo. Every time I try to eat something or drink something, it’s there. I must clean my tongue hundreds of times a day trying to get the taste/feeling off my tongue. I want food to taste the way my taste buds remembers it tasting – but nothing I do can make that happen. The food isn’t spoiled – the kids and Lon enjoy eating it – but it tastes so horrible to me!
I feel the chemo. My body aches. My temperature is slightly elevated and it makes me sleep 10 hours straight. My right side is still totally numb under by “deformed” arm. My right chest feels tight and like there is a board feeling where my boob should be. My hair – yes, my little tiny stubbles hurt. They are falling out. My skin is dry and looks years older in just 3 months. I am not the same looking person on the outside – maybe never will be.
The chemo is everywhere – I can’t hide from it – I can’t change it – it has taken over! It’s in my face yelling, “I’m here and I am more powerful than you!” Sometimes, I feel that way – that I can’t stand up against the chemo.
What else does that remind me of in my life???? YES, SIN! Sin is all around me – consuming my thoughts and actions – in my smells, sights, tastes, etc. It’s in every room of my house. It’s in the house or outdoors. It’s got power! Sin sometimes becomes like chemo where we figure we just have to get use to - learn to live with it – it’s not going any place. We feel too weak to deal, fight, or, on a worse scenario, we become use to it and forget to notice that it’s taking over our lives.
We are suppose to ask God to forgive us when we “sin” or “do something we know wasn’t the right thing to do”. How embarrassing when I go to pray and can’t think of a sin for the day. I KNOW I have sinned! I just have gotten so desensitized I can’t think of what it was. I don’t see, hear, or feel the sins anymore. They have become a part of my daily life. I can’t imagine that this will ever be the case with my chemo side effects – I won’t EVER become so accustom to them that I’ll forget that they are there. I pray that my sin becomes more real to me – like my chemo – so that I am aware of them and then I can change. My soul desire is to live the life my heavenly Daddy wants me to live – to do that – I must see the sin that He sees – I must ask forgiveness – and I must change. I must NOT become use to it! We sing a song at church that I love – couldn’t tell you all the words (I can sing a song 100 times and not know the words), but it asks God to have our heart hurt for what His heart hurts for! That’s my prayer.
SO… whether it’s chemo side effects or sin… we are not powerless… we don’t have to “get use to it”… and we have a heavenly Daddy that will help us see His way! Neither chemo nor sin will get a hold of me!