Sometimes, I feel like I’ve set myself up for a high fall. At the beginning of my cancer life, I was feeling very inspired with words of wisdom flowing. I was seeing things through different colored glasses. Now, the glasses are back to clear, scratched because they are from high school, and really don’t make my vision 20/20. I guess reality is setting in!
When you normally have an illness or operation, you feel like you will get back to “normal”. You have surgery and you do some physical therapy and you’ll be better than before. You have a terrible case of the stomach flu and after loosing several pounds – you gain that weight back right away. You feel “like yourself” again.
Reality has set in for me that I may never “feel normal” again. Lon keeps asking me about my right side – you know, the flat side. He wonders how it’s feeling. It doesn’t feel normal and may never feel normal again. It’s a STRANGE feeling. It’s partially numb –you can feel things but with that tingling asleep kind of feeling – not the normal feeling. My arm can move about 90% of what it should – no, I can’t put it above my head while lying down yet. I have to get there before my next PET scan. My white cells are not climbing fast enough so I’m getting more mouth sores that take longer to leave. I have a constant low grade fever. My red cells are just staying low so I am taking Procrit weekly like the cross guard lady on TV. My head and body tells me to “get to work” the house needs my attention, and my body says, “don’t you move off this couch – if you do – I’m going to make you take a nap!” I’ve talked to cancer survivors of 3 and more years – some of this doesn’t ever go away.
SO, how am I reacting today, not so well – but thanks for asking! I had no bad feelings about “me” getting cancer. Why not me? God can and HAS used my cancer to help others see what kind of relationship HE is wishing to have with each one of us. I am having a harder time with the effects cancer may leave in my life. I may have a numb side forever. I may tire much easier forever. I may have to go bankrupt and have a long time before financially on my feet (Amy, is giving me some info on a foundation where I maybe able to get assistance – pray they can help us), I may loose my eyebrows and never get them back (I know that happened to one of the ladies in my support group – rare but can happen – just threw it in here for the dramatic effect!) etc. It’s bad enough to have to go through cancer and the treatments, but when the treatments are done, I want it all to go away!!!!! I don’t want to be left with daily reminders. I cried a few tears today because life may never be like it was “pre-cancer”!!
WOW, I truly was going to leave this blog entry with no profound words – but God just spoke to me (don’t let that weird you out – God has this way for me to hear Him). I was just told to examine my life! God created me to love and worship Him – to be like Him. He created me with NO sin – just perfect. I’m SO far from perfect now. You give me my own free will and I made/make mistakes. Even though I can go to bed at night thinking I made a day without sinning, I know there are hundreds of sins that took place and I am so numb to them I don’t even realize I’m doing them.
God doesn’t want this “daily reminder” one that “may not go away” of how far we have come from being like Him. He cries about our sin just like I cry about my broken body from cancer. He wishes our sinful nature would go away just like I wish my cancer side effects would go away. He wishes that the pain He went through to save us would also remind us to STOP sinning – just like I’d wish the pain from the treatments would go away when the treatment is done. I want to go back to my “normal”. God wants us to go back to His “normal” – someone that lives without sin and lives to worship and love God with our every breath!!
There is nothing I can do about the cancer and what it leaves in my life – except to use it to remember what things I CAN change in my life! I need to try to change my heart to be like the one God created – before I let my free will mess it up! The catch, I know I can’t go back on my own. I am weak; I am a sinner. However, with God’s help – with Him in charge – I can work daily towards being the person that He created! God created us perfect – in His image – and now everyday He looks down and is sadden. What is this world doing!? I don’t want to be a sad “daily reminder” for God! I want to make Him smile. SO, I am going to try extra hard – holding on to HIM for help – to be that person that He created! Starting with giving Him my tough times and letting Him get me through them with positive attitude!!!! NO matter what the cancer leaves in my life forever – God knows about it and He still has BIG plans for me!
Posted by donnab at March 4, 2005 07:37 PMI have understood that cancer is not only lessons to be learned by the person who is sick, but also, God teaches lessons to those surrounding the individual. Alot of people need tragedy to turn to God and become more faithful. I think God may be using you as an instrument...to lead others to him. Also, sometimes we feel as if we are in control of our own lives, and then he gives us a reality check. As for feeling "normal"????? I don't think anyone is the same after batteling cancer. Your outlook on life becomes totally different, and your body is different. It will never be the same again. But, how awesome is it to know that your scars are a gift from God...to make you even more christ like, and to know that your scars have helped to bring others closer to him. How awesome is that! I know that you doing this blog is really impressive to me. I find your faith sooo inspiring. I wish that everyone who has cancer could be like you. So many people don't know God, and haven't any faith. How scary would it be to battle something like cancer and to think you are totally alone. I may get cancer someday...my mom is a breast cancer survivor, and I pray that I can have the faith that you have, and the positive outlook on life that you have. I plan on saving your blog messages...it helps me now, and I know it would also help me if I ever got cancer. You will never be "normal" again...you'll be even better Donna! The treatments will go away, the scars will somewhat fade...but the lessons you learned, and the lessons you will have tought will be remembered and cherished forever. Good for you! You GO girl! Kick that cancer in the butt and shout out PRAISE GOD!!!! He blesses you everyday, and he blesses us through you as well. Your "DADDY" is proud of you Donna.
Posted by: Amy at March 5, 2005 02:13 PM