As a girl, we are taught to want all eyes on us. First, you are the cutest little toddler in that frilly Easter dress and bonnet or beautiful velvet red dress for Christmas pictures. Then you grow up and during elementary ages, you learn fashion. You want to start exploring with nail polish and eye shadow. You know that the world sees a “beautiful” girl as one all made up – just like those teenagers that you start to idolize. Then in high school you have cheerleading. You want every boy to know that you have been selected to be one of the most popular girls that gets to wave her little thin body in front of you wearing a little short short skirt. Also, you have the formal dances! You go shopping over and over waiting for that perfect dress to pop out at you. A dress that is not “distasteful” and yet screams, “look at me – I’m all grown up!”
As women, we come to our senses…. Or do we!?!? We still care what others think. Some of us care more than others. Unfortunately, I am one that has always cared. I guess I have always had insecurity about my looks. My parents always told me I’m cute or pretty. My husband tells me that ALL THE TIME for 10 years. However, those words bounce off of me because “he loves me”. I appreciate their words – but they don’t sink down deep.
So, I don’t leave the house – no, not for any reason – without make up on and a nice put together outfit. If any eyes look at me – I don’t want them to be looking at me out of despair. Well, tonight, I HAD ALL EYES ON ME! It was a very hard reality check night for me. As hundreds have told me wigs are hot and scratchy. I don’t like wearing them more than I have to. I had a church project this morning so I just wore a scarf covering my bald head – ok, it’s not 100% bald Lon would want me to say – I still have some small patches of black whiskers on top. The scarf looks ok, doesn’t scratch, and it’s as hot. It has become my “cover up” of choice.
Tonight, I needed to go to the grocery store for just a couple things – yes, Lon needed a few more ingredients to make cheesecake. I wouldn’t have gone for just normal food – but Lon’s cheesecake – that I’ll make a trip for. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood to go “find my hair” so I decided to be brave and go to the store wearing my scarf. I knew that I might have some people’s eyes on me – and not because I looked my best.
I walked into the grocery store and the first lady who saw me simply turned her head as fast as possible. In the next aisle, I passed a gentleman that stared. He almost couldn’t take his eyes away from me. The next aisle, there were 3 teenage girls. They looked at me like I was an alien and moved closer to the shelving letting me pass. Gentleman after gentleman – lady after lady – child after child – had to “look” at me and my scarf. It sure made me feel uncomfortable. I tried thinking what was going inside of their minds… “Oh, she’s sick”… “Oh no, she’s on chemo, I wonder what for”… “I wonder how sick she is – will she die” etc. Haven’t you caught yourself asking those questions when you see a lady with her entire head covered up – and NO HAIR is showing?
First, it was a reality check for me. Yes, I have cancer and I won’t be able to cover that up for the next year. I don’t have hair – I have whiskers. I felt awkward. I felt very insecure. I felt judged. WOW, how can others do that to me!
The lesson for today, don’t we always judge by the outer appearance – even when we don’t’ want to be judged that way? I confess that of course I do – not meaning to – but it’s my nature. I look at a person and in seconds I get my “first impression”. Do they have clothes from this decade? Are their bodies clean and groomed? Do they accessorize? Do they look like they are educated and successful by their wardrobe choices? We judge someone in just seconds. Those judgments can last a lifetime!
Now, the fact that those people judged me by coming to the conclusion that I may be going through chemo is no biggie because I AM! I did wish I had the opportunity to tell each one of them that I am living through the chemo and feeling very blessed because my heavenly Daddy is taking such wonderful care of me. I wanted to explain that no one has to feel sorry for me – my Daddy has this under control. So although it was awkward and I didn’t like all of the “looks”, I am proud to say that this summer, I will be wearing scarves a whole lot more than wigs!
A funny but true story, I told Zavier my 7 year old once that he needs to judge by the heart not outer appearance - just like we are not to judge a book by the cover. He replied without a hesitation… “Mom, we all judge a book by the cover! If we don’t think the cover is interesting, we don’t pick the book from the library to read!” What’s the saying, “out of the mouths of babes”? WE DO JUDGE BY THE OUTER APPERANCE!
I need to change how I get my “first impressions”. I don’t want to judge people by their outward appearance. I want to keep my opinions clear until I have met the person’s heart. You know, I do know ONE PERSON that does this every time He meets someone. You know it; it’s my heavenly Daddy. My Daddy loves the way we all look – He created us to look exactly how we do. He took the time to make each one of us in His image with special and unique features. So, His first impression is not about our outward appearance. He is first impression is what we have done with our “free will” regarding our heart! Do we love? Do we try to follow His plans for our lives? Are we giving back to others in authentic community? Do we look past the outside and look at other’s hearts? Those are the kinds of things my Daddy is asking Himself.
If my goal is to be more like my Daddy, then I have to change in this area! I have to first take time for people – to get to know them. I need to not just hear people when they talk to me but listen to them. I have to understand their heart. I have to try to see their needs. Then, I need to love them no matter what the inside looks likes. If their insides are lined with God’s purpose for us, my first impression should lead to getting to know them better. If their insides are not lined with God’s purpose for us, my first impression should be to get to know them. You see, no matter what place I find their heart, they are my Daddy’s special children. If their heart is right, we can team up to do God’s work. If their heart is in the wrong place, my Daddy may need to work through me!
So, the question is how do we judge a person? The lesson is to look at the inside and love no matter what! The action, I need to work on this area. If you do too – feel free to start tomorrow with me!!
Donna-
Just wanted to know your blog is an inspiration to me! I know you are going through a lot and have hard days, but you are very positive and inspiring. I check this weekly just to see how you are doing. Think of you guys often, but haven't been so good about making the effort to contact you. Congrats to Lon his on his job, please tell him from us both! After you are done gong through this I think you need to write a daily devotional! I'd be reading it everyday! Take care -Angie