Have you ever had one of those days where your “trust” in God feels shaken? You feel terrible about it – you don’t want to not trust – but it’s just a hard day. That’s how I’m feeling today. Just a week ago our church gave out “Certificates” to it’s leaders – fun ones – and I got the “Most likely to TRUST God”. If they saw my heart today, they may want to take it back.
Two days ago, Lon got a job! Finally, it came after 2 years. The downside – it only pays $7.55 an hour – not close to the $30 and hour we are use to. I was SO happy though because it will be a fixed income that will almost cover our whole mortgage – YEAH! Today, I look at our finances and wonder why I’m not packing already. We are paying $1000 a month on credit card interest. If we could get a Home Equity loan that would go down to $500 a month – but how do you prove income when the income comes from God. God doesn’t provide documentation! My first chemo bill came – insurance pays $1000 and each treatment is $4800. I have a “case worker” that is trying to work something with my insurance, but if not, we can’t float.
So on the surface, it’s looks like with all of our trust and faith and effort, my family may still be on the streets – no, not the streets but a mobile home (which isn’t life or death). Lon asked me this morning, “what does God want us to do – we’ll do it”? I guess that’s my question too – “God, what do you want us to do!?”
Then I get angry with myself. If I didn’t have cancer (like I asked for it), this wouldn’t be so bad. We wouldn’t have the medical bills and I would be able to work full time (now that I’m not babysitting Kaci). I could pull my share – I could be an asset instead of a liability. Instead of working, with my low blood cell counts, I lay on the couch and am happy if I clean one room or do a little Creative Memories paperwork. WOW, don’t I accomplish a lot. So, I hate this cancer! I hate feeling so tired. I hate feeling nauseous. I hate having this metal taste that makes me not want to eat or drink. I hate having to run to the bathroom to find a hat or “hair” if the doorbell rings.
As I start to scream to God, and yes, I do let Him see my anger, I fall and cry to Him. “Daddy, I don’t know what to do! Daddy, I don’t know if you are asking me to change and I’m not seeing it. Daddy, do you want my family to live in a mobile home? Daddy, why do we need to go down to an even lower pit? Daddy, show me the way!”
My heavenly Daddy shows me once again that He is right here. No, it doesn’t rain $100 dollar bills, but I can feel His arms around me. I can hear the small whisper saying, “Don’t give up on me!” I know that God will take care of my family. I know that He is never more than a step from my side. I know that if He wasn’t watching out for my family we’d be eating at the “soup kitchen” a long time ago. I know that when I reach heaven – a land of no bills or sickness – my Daddy will say, “I’m proud of you for not giving up!”
So, I had my day of anger and lack of trust. The great thing, God allows that! Look at the Old and New Testament and you’ll see that God still loves you when you show human emotions. Now, I have the choice to stay there or once again pick myself up and remember that in my weakness HE IS STRONG! I choose to “get over it” and hold on to my TRUST even harder than before! It’s so NOT easy – but it’s so WORTH IT! I can’t handle all of these burdens on my shoulders – they can’t carry them. God’s shoulders can! SO, as with you all as my accountability supporters, I give this anger and non-trust day to God, ask Him to forgive me for wavering, and ask Him for His strength and comfort.
The passage from Habakkuk 3: 17-19 has kept me going for over a year now. The commentary is what hits my heart hard. I hold on to it today… When nothing makes sense, and when troubles seem more than you can bear, remember that God gives strength. Take your eyes off your difficulties and look to God. God will give his followers surefooted confidence through difficult times!
I am looking straight to my Daddy with confidence that “this time will pass”. Whether my family ever feels financial security on earth it doesn’t matter – we have security for ETERNAL LIFE! My husband, our children, and myself will enjoy “forever” with our Daddy! This “moment” on earth may be terrible – but it’s only a moment! SO, here’s to TRUST and FAITH in our Daddy! He will NEVER let us down!!
Posted by donnab at February 22, 2005 02:38 PM