Several people have asked Lonnie and myself if I am really doing as well as my blog says I am. Guess some of you are wondering if I am good at faking. Well, here’s my answer, yes, I have been doing great. However, I don’t want you to think I’m not normal – I have my moments. Matter of fact, today is a VERY HARD day for me!
You see, one of the side effects this chemo is having on my body is constipation. Yes, a couple days ago I was screaming, “Please God, I’d rather give natural birth to twins at the same time then allow this to come out!” (Sorry for the bluntness). It hurt – I bled! So, last night to be on the safe side, I took good old stand by Milk of Magnesia - you know, the pink chalk stuff. Plus, Lon told me onions work so I had a few spoons full with my chicken dinner. Can you guess how I spent my night? Yes, at 2:30am I put a new TP roll on – and at 8am I had to put another new roll on again!
Now let me tell you how traumatic this is about using that much TP. My wonderful Grandpa Sam had a cottage up in Star Lake Wisconsin. We went there every summer. The cottage had it’s own septic etc. and “backing up” was not uncommon. So, Gramps EVERY TIME you went into the “little room” would yell, “Don’t use more than 4 squares!” Well, our septic here in Bakersfield has been known to plug up more than our septic in Illinois. I do get very paranoid of back ups – especially when the toilet has something in it – you know where I’m going with that. So, in honor of Gramps, I was watching my “square” usage last night!
This morning, I looked in the mirror – and it was either a “distorted” mirror – or I am seeing changes I don’t like. I am at the lowest weight I have been since before Keona was born. Now, if I had lost this weight trying I would be SO excited. Loosing it through this situation is not flattering. My skin is dried looking – old looking – but at the same time full of ZITS! My hair is rougher – and yes, couple more than normal strands fell out. My tongue has sores around the edges. Let’s just say that the lady in the mirror isn’t how I like to think of myself. And to top it off – this is treatment #1 – still 7 more to go.
SO, I got into the shower – a very hot shower – and began to shed a few tears. I began to tell my heavenly Daddy that I was ticked! I am mad! I am not pleased! I am scared! Then, I thought I better end it with a “please forgive me for feeling this way!” My heavenly Daddy immediately gave me a big hug (yes, my heavenly Daddy even showers with me) and said to me, “Donna my sweet daughter, I have NEVER asked you to NOT FEEL! I have never told you that you need to live through this with no emotions! I have never told you that pain and sorrow won’t be a real part of your life on earth. What I have told you – what makes you different because of your love for Me – is that while dealing with your emotions, know that the cancer and treatments affect you BUT I HAVE CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR BODY!”
Was that what I needed to hear! It’s so incredible that an all loving all knowing heavenly Daddy would know exactly what I needed to hear! I can mourn the loss of my hair. I can get upset about my body feeling frail because the treatments will affect my body. HOWEVER, I need to live with peace and the knowledge that IT doesn’t have control. NOTHING will happen to my body that my heavenly Daddy doesn’t know about or allow! I don’t have to understand the whys – I can have prefect peace that He knows the whys and He is in control! I can walk through it all – even through my dark days – because ultimately, my Daddy is in control!
So yes, today I am dealing harder with some of my emotions! It’s not been an all “uplifting happy go lucky” kind of day! That’s OK! Because even through my human emotions, I HAVE PRFECT PEACE – the peace that only my heavenly Daddy can give me!
I don’t know what’s affecting your life – sickness – treatments – kids making bad choices – marriages that are less than perfect – someone has harmed you or wronged you – money is lacking (we know that one too) etc. Please hear this... you have the right to deal with the emotions that those things cause because they do AFFECT you – but have peace because they do not CONTROL you – your heavenly Daddy does!! Be real – take your emotions to Jesus – tell Him you need help sorting through them and tell Him that you need the peace only He can give through those emotions! I will promise you – HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!
So, I guess I have bad days … wait, can I even call them bad days if I am still leaving in a PEACE that is supernatural!!?!?!?? I am SO BLESSED!!